10 More Signs You're Getting Older

1. Your knees pop and lock more than America's Best Dance Crew.

2. Your little black book has been replaced by your cookbook.

3. You rocked jelly shoes.

4. You shopped at Contempo Casuals.

5. You shopped at Structure.

6. You use the phrase "Can't we all just get along?"

7. You remember the Redskins winning the Superbowl.

8. You remember having to keep your cell phone calls to under 60 seconds. 
    "Hurry, hurry I'm at 57!"

9. You've paid $.87 a gallon

10. Hypercolor was awesome.

11 Quirks of the Persian Mom

1) She washes dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. To get washed.

2) She cleans up the house before the cleaning people come. To clean the house.

3) Her first suggestion for any ailment is tea with honey/rosewater/rock candy.

4) She plants all her own flowers, makes your dad help, and insists "khodesh doost dare!" (he, himself, enjoys it!)

5) She never has to raise her voice to scare you. Sitting very still and widening her eyes just a millimeter sends ripples of fear throughout your body.

6) She'll call you and leave you a voicemail, and if you don't call her back within five minutes, she'll call again. Then she'll text. Then she'll send out an Amber Alert.

7) When you're cooking, she'll come stand next to you and make sure you're "doing it right."
"Why aren't you using saffron? Did you wash the chicken? Wash the chicken again." 

8) She'll verbally lash anyone who says anything negative about you in public, but will recite a list of everything you're doing wrong when you're back in private.

9) Sundays are call-every-relative-overseas day.

10) She'll call all of your dates/boyfriends/girlfriends/love interests "friends", and won't consider your relationship "serious" until there is a diamond ring involved.

11) When driving with her, she will always do these three things:
1) Alert you as soon as you're driving one mile over the speed limit.
2) Yell your name, followed by a "movazeb bash!" (be careful!) whenever you change lanes, exit, or breathe.
3) Firmly smack the dashboard three times when she wants you to STOP!

12 Signs You're Getting Older

You think the music is too loud. Everywhere.

You refer to teenagers as kids, and you think middle schoolers look like toddlers with bigger clothes.

The thought of going out two nights in a row is extremely stressful.

Staying in on a Saturday night to watch three movies in a row seems totally normal. And more fun than being in a loud bar.

You'd rather stab yourself in the eyes repeatedly while listening to songs by Creed than go to a packed club full of hot, sweaty people.

You know who Creed is.

You start using the "I gotta get up early tomorrow" excuse for leaving parties.

Your pins on Pinterest are less fashion and fun, and more Crate & Barrel and Pier 1.

When your parents scold a sibling, you start agreeing with them.

You start worrying about things like prostates, ovaries, and colons.

You start planting flowers.

You start planting anything.

Top 7 Reasons Why Norooz Is The Best Holiday Ever!

1. Norooz Marks the Beginning of Spring!

It's a beautiful season, rife with all sorts of symbolism marking the opportunity for a real new start. Flowers are starting to bloom, there's more sunshine in the day, everything feels light and airy and free! The possibilities for what you can accomplish in the new year seem endless, way more endless than the first day of that other new year that's smack dab in the middle of a dark, dreary, and cold season.

2. This Is the Only Time (most) Persian Kids Are Allowed Pets In The House...

...in the form of Goldfish. The Goldfish are a part of the traditional HaftSeen spread, symbolizing life. Try explaining to a child why their only chance at a pet will inevitably die, usually before the holiday is even over. Persian kids have been forced to cope with death as early as they can remember Norooz, watching the goldfish die, one by one.

"Maman, why is that one floating upside down?"

"Eez dead, azizam. Pets die, dees eez vhy I don't let you to have one. You cannot alvays take care of eet."

Scarred.For.Life.

3. You Won't Be Inundated With "resolutions" to Lose Weight...Because Everyone is Force Feeding You Food!

The food, oh the food. 13 days of non-stop home cooked Persian food. 13 days of rice based dishes, which sounds like a Hollywood star's worst nightmare, but a Persian's dream. And who could forget the shirini (sweets & pastries)?! Persian bakeries are working overtime to accommodate the influx of orders for baked goods. Diabetics up their insulin shots and deal with the consequences after the holiday is over. It's just that good. You may tell yourself you'll only have "one or two with my chaeey (tea)" but we all know that once that tray is passed around, you'll have so much honey and sugar on your lips, you'll look like you just made out with a jar of vaseline.


4. Eidi $$ (Norooz gifts of Money)

Whenever you visit someone's house during the celebration of Norooz, you go to their HaftSeen (the table of 7 S's representing different wishes for the New Year) and you open the book of Poetry they have on the table. There are bills of all denominations in between the pages, just waiting for guests to pluck them from obscurity. The page that you've opened up to is read aloud, and that poem is a representation of what your year will hold for you, a telling of your future. So you get a reading, and YOU get paid for it. Sweet!

5. Eid Didani, Literally Translated: Seeing for the New Year. In Short, Going from House to House, Spending Time With Your Family and Friends.

How much fun is that?! 13 days of seeing everyone you love, with people giving you food, sweets, and money just for showing up. With Christmas, you're stuck wherever you are for that one day, and there's usually no escape, also due to weather conditions. With Norooz, if you get bored (or want more money) you can totally use the excuse that you still have to make more rounds of visiting family and friends, and just leave whenever you want!

6. Dancing, Drinking, Dancing!

The amount of parties can be overwhelming to a non-Persian. The best way to prepare for these 13 days is to nap frequently, and stay hydrated, so that you can party all night. You will always be expected to dance. All night. No excuses.

"Vat you are meaning you are tie-yerd? You must do danceeng veet us!" 

You will be exhausted at the end of the night. You will be hungover the next morning. You will have blisters for days. But the memories, the laughter, and the fun will make it all worth while. I promise.

7. Sizde Bedar - Loose Translation: The 13th Outside

13 is considered a number of bad luck, so on the 13th (and last) day of the Norooz celebration, Persians leave their homes en masse to celebrate. They go to big parks to barbecue, dance, eat, play sports, talk about what everyone is wearing, pretend like they're dressed down for the park but really they took a lot of time picking out those jeans and cute hoodies to match (it takes more effort to look casually dressed down than you may think). It's fun to play games all day and watch the people who wore dress shoes, skirts, and slacks, try to navigate their way around the grass and mud without getting dirty.

(Rumor also has it that this mass gathering of Persians was the catalyst to create Homeland Security. Just a rumor, I'm sure)

Lastly, young women are supposed to tie little knots in pieces of the sabzi that were grown on their haftseen spread, and throw them in a body of water, wishing for a husband, because, as we all know, the most important thing that can happen to a woman is to get married. Unless they're over 30 and unmarried, in which case they're expected to throw themselves into the water. (Just kidding. I think)

Sale Hamegi Mobarak, va omidvaram ke saletoon por az khoobi, khoshi, va movafagheeat bashe!

Translation: Happy New Year to everyone, and I hope that your year is filled with wellness, happiness, and prosperity/success!

3 Double Standards for Persians & Getting Married

You know they exist. Big Time. It doesn't matter how advanced, progressed, and liberal we've become as a society, Persians will always have the double standard market on lock when it comes to relationships and marriage, as it pertains to males vs. females. And they have no qualms about it. They may sometimes pass it off as a joke, but we all know that behind every joke lies some truth, and behind every double standard, there lies a Persian.

These are, in my opinion, the three biggest double standards...

The Marrying Age for Men vs. Women

Persians have a term for an unmarried woman over 29, and that's torshide.  Literally translated, it means we've expired, grown sour, basically of no use to mankind. There is a side dish served with food called torshi (pickled vegetables) and that's the root word for this term. Coincidence that it's a side dish? You be the judge.

An unmarried Persian woman over 29 is damaged goods. I mean, she must be, right? If nobody put a diamond on her left hand, there must be something wrong with her. It can't be her choice. It can't be that she's independent, accomplishing her goals, and perhaps waiting for her perfect match. It can't be that she chose to stay unmarried until she felt it was right. It must be because she's not marriage material, and no man picked her. Poor, poor girl. How sad.

An unmarried Persian man over 29? Jackpot!! What a catch!! So mature!! So handsome!! So successful!! He just hasn't found a good girl. Poor guy. Let's all collectively pool our resources together and talk to our sisters, neighbors, and strangers on the streets to see who has a nice daughter between the ages of 18-25 that we could set him up with. He's just SO busy working hard and making money that he can't be bothered with dating. I feel so bad for him! I will make it my life's mission to set him up with a nice girl he can marry!

If We Date a Non-Persian (rare exceptions to this rule exist)

If a Persian man or woman dates a non-Persian, nobody takes the relationship seriously. Oh, they're just having fun, they're just school friends, they're just waiting for a Persian. A Persian mom will actively try and set her son up with a Persian girl, while the son is still with the non-Persian. You know you've seen it happen, don't lie. You may have even been an accessory to the set up!

And then, if the Persian and the non-Persian get married, people will refer to it as heyf, or a waste. As if the Persian is the chosen one, and being in a committed relationship with anyone outside of this golden circle is somehow an injustice to the world that is so cruel, and so terrible, that the whole union is a waste. This really applies to the men more than the women. If a Persian woman gets married to a white guy, the family will just be happy that she's married, and managed to avoid turning into a jar of pickled vegetables. But ask a Persian mom how she feels about her son marrying a non Persian, and you will get the truth about how she feels...as long as nobody non-Persian is around!

What They Tell the Women about Getting Married vs. What They Tell the Men

Women are told to hurry up! Find a husband! Get married and have kids!! As if we can go to Costco and peruse the Persian Man Samples until we find one that we really like and want to buy and take home, instead of sample for a second and throw away in the big grey trash bin.

I had a family friend (whom I love very much) who was talking to me at a gathering recently. She stepped in really close to my face and squinted her eyes. I thought she was about to tell me I had food in my teeth, but no, that wasn't it. "NazNaz, you need to get married soon. You've got about a year or two left to look like a pretty bride. After that, it won't be so good." And that was at a Christmas party.

Men? Take your time! Enjoy being single! Have fun with white girls!

And that pretty much sums it up.

6 Funny Come On Lines from NYC

These actually made me laugh, as opposed to rolling my eyes...

Me: Walking up to my building.
Him: "You look like that broad on TV! Ay, Tony! (yelling to Tony) Who's that broad on TV we were talking about? The one with the big, bushy eyebrows? (to me) No trust me, she's beautiful."

Me: Passing construction site (cliche, I know) 
Him, angrily: "AY! You got some nerve walking through here like that."
Me: (confused, thinking I walked into wet concrete)
Him: "Breaking our hearts over here."

Him: Stopping inches from my face. "The best part of waking up." 
*It took control on my part not to sing back, "Is Folgers in your cup!"

Him: In Giants gear.
Me: In Redskins gear. 
Him: "I'll convert for you. RGIII! RGIII! I believe!"

8 Year Old Kid: You are looking fine today.
Me: How old are you?
8 Year Old Kid: Old enough.

Me: Walking in rain, juggling umbrella, coffee, and phone.
Him: "I'll be your personal assistant."

15 Ways The SuperBowl Would Be Different If 2 Iranian Brothers Were Coaching The 2 Teams

1. Their family and friends would hassle the brothers for weeks trying to get tickets to the game, only to end up scalping them for triple the value.

2. Iranian fans would petition the NFL to have Googoosh sing the National Anthem.

3. Iranians would manage to sneak in mortadella sandwiches, pistachios, and doogh (carbonated yogurt drink).

4. Their mother would burn esfand (incense) before the brothers took the field to keep the evil eyes away.

5. The coin toss would take forEVER, as each side would tarof  back and forth.

 

"Please, I insist that you all receive."

"No, YOU choose whatever you want."

"Nokaretam (I am your servant)."

6. Their mother would be running back and forth between the two teams sidelines, feeding the brothers kabob, rice, ash (hearty soup), and tea.

7. Their supporters wouldn't be wearing their teams football jerseys, they'd be wearing Iran soccer jerseys.

8. The Brothers would make sure nobody touched their hair. Especially the hair on their heads.

9. The Brothers would be texting one another close up shots of the cheerleaders.

10. Iranians would petition the NFL to include an Andy and Kouros reunion as the halftime show.

11. When a call is made against either of the teams, their mother would run down and yell at the refs.

"Don't you geev my son dat von! Son of de betch! Dert on your heads!"

12. Power outage? No problem. Iranians would rush the field, form a circle, and take turns dancing in it.

13. The winning team would pour hot tea on the coach. Ironically, the losing team would do the same.

14. Their mom would run down to the field at the end of the game and assure both of her sons that they have doodool talas (golden penises). 

15. The brother whose team lost would get phone calls from family and friends on Monday morning telling him what he should have done. Ironically, so would the brother who won.

6 Healthy Foods You Should Be Eating

* Disclaimer*

I am not, nor am I claiming to be, a medical, or health professional. I am, however, someone who has been physically active my entire life, and have always taken great interest in healthy eating habits and lifestyle choices. I was also a personal trainer at Equinox Fitness Club in New York City. The views expressed in this blog post are my own, and are not affiliated with any other entity. As with any diet or exercise changes, consulting your doctor or health professional beforehand is always  recommended :)

1. Berries 

Berries, such as raspberries, strawberries, and blueberries, have some of the highest antioxidants of any fresh fruits. They fight the free radicals that float around in your body. Free radicals can damage healthy cells, and are a major source of disease and aging. Berries are also low in calories and sugars per serving, especially compared to the higher sugar fruits, such as apples, mangoes, and pineapples, just to name a few. Basically, you get more bang for your buck with berries.

2. Kale

This dark, leafy green food has an abundance of health benefits. It's rich in antioxidant powers, and high in vitamins, specifically Vitamins A (good for your eyes), K (promotes bone health), C (great for your immune system), and B (metabolism booster). Kale also contains phytochemicals, which have been shown in studies to protect against certain cancers, specifically cancers of the prostate and colon.

3. Almonds and Walnuts

These nuts, like some other nuts, contain unsaturated fatty acids, which are good for your heart. They can lower your LDL, aka "bad" cholesterol. Because high LDL is a primary cause of heart disease, keeping your LDL low is a good thing. The Omega-3 fatty acids found in nuts are, according to the Mayo Clinic "...one of the best plant-based sources of Omega-3 fatty acids." These nuts are also a good source of fiber, and Vitamin E, which helps stop the development of plaque in the arteries. Plaque buildup can lead to a variety of heart related diseases, and that's never any good.

Try eating the raw forms of these nuts, and not so much the salted and flavored versions, which just up the calorie, sodium, and potential sugar content.

4. Avocado

Avocados are high in fiber, potassium, Vitamins C, K, B6, and folate. Powerful punch! Like olive oil, avocados are high in oleic acid, which studies have shown can prevent breast cancer. They are also high in lutein, which protects against macular degeneration and cataracts, so you can see clearly!
Numerous studies have also shown that when eaten with other nutritious foods, the healthy monounsaturated fats in avocados aid the body in the maximum absorption of said nutrients.  So, basically, if you want the most benefits from what you're eating, add some avocado to it!

5. Seaweed

Seaweed has virtually zero fat. It's extremely low in calories, and its fiber content also aids in a feeling of satiation. Research from the LiveStrong foundation has said the following of seaweed: "When eaten as part of a meal, seaweed can help balance blood sugar because its soluble fiber content helps slow the rate at which food is digested and absorbed into the bloodstream." Its soluble fiber content also helps keep things moving along nicely, so to say :) Seaweed is also a good source of iodine, which your thyroids rely on to function properly. It's B-12 content is also said to help immune function. 

If you don't like the consistency of fresh seaweed, try Trader Joe's dry roasted seaweed snack. It's one my favorite snacks, and it's only 30 calories per serving!

6. Beets

Beets are one of my absolute favorite things to put in a salad! Pair it with goat cheese and avocado, and your mouth will experience a tasteplosion! Beets are good sources of iron, and vitamins, all helping to boost your immune system. They have no fat, are very low in calories, and have been said to be a great natural energy source for your body. They're a carbohydrate, which is essential for body fuel, but they're not processed carbohydrates so they're not "bad" energy sources. They're high in fiber, vitamins A & C, calcium, and folic acid, which is essential to the production and maintenance of new cells. And, they're available all year round!

Also, according to the American Journal of Hypertension: "...beets are very high in nitrates, which when processed in the body increase our levels of nitric oxide. And nitric oxide, in turn, helps to relax blood vessels, and improve oxygen efficiency. Hence the lowered blood pressure and increased endurance of beet juice drinkers. Beets are the newest vegetable to study for cardiovascular effects..." 

Basically, beets are being touted as improving the physical endurance and performance of athletes, and those of us who aren't professional athletes, but do exercise regularly. Eat up!

10 Things To Stop Doing On Facebook

1. LIKING YOUR OWN STATUS

This is like having a discussion with someone, or talking to a group of people, and then standing up to give yourself a round of applause when you're done talking. We already know you're a fan of what you said because, well, you said it. Which leads me to...

2. LIKING YOUR OWN PICTURES (New parents excluded, because babies are adorable)

This is like saying "Jean Claude Van Damme I look sexy!" which is totally fine, it just kinda makes you look conceited. Let your friends do the liking.

3. POSTING PICTURES OF THE LIQUOR BOTTLES AT YOUR TABLE AT THE CLUB

It's actually good when people do this because it lets everyone know which of their friends are terrible at math. Posting pics of all the liquor bottles at the table isn't "cool," it's just saying "Hey, I could have gotten this bottle of vodka for $40 at the liquor store, but I decided that paying $200 for it was absolutely reasonable and fair."

4. STATUS UPDATES THAT ALSO INVOLVE ANGRY SONG LYRICS

We all see them daily, and we all think "why?" Things like "how could you be so heartless?" or "I got 99 problems and now that BITCH aint one!" or "It wasn't like you only talked to him and you know it, don't act like you don't know it!" aren't going to get that person you're angry at to answer you. That'll get that person to quickly defriend you and start blocking your calls. And maybe get a restraining order.

5. VAGUE/CRYPTIC STATUS UPDATES

These are kind of like the angry song lyrics, but they're actually worse, especially when people start commenting and asking questions, and the person never answers. If you're going to write things like "I can't believe this is happening" or "I finally got the news" or  "Guess that's how it is, and nobody cares" at least ANSWER the people who have taken your bait and are asking questions. You clearly wanted the attention, so take it!

6. PICTURES OF AWESOME LOOKING FOOD AT RESTAURANTS...

...without telling us where you are!! Why would you tease my mouth like that? Tell us where you are so we can go eat it, too. Jerk.

7. PEOPLE WHO PIC STITCH/COLLAGE/INSTAGRAM...

...multiple pictures of themselves, in the same outfit, in the same room, in a different pose. You're not Andy Warhol. Stop it.

8. GIRLS WHO CAPTION THEIR PHOTOS WITH NEGATIVE/FISHING COMMENTS

Captioning photos with "need to diet!" or "ugh, my hair looks terrible today! " are very transparent ploys to get compliments. You're not fooling anyone. Also, putting up a picture of you in a hot dress, all glammed up, leaning against a wall/column/chair with a caption like "I really love this wallpaper/column/chair, is also really dumb and obvious. You're beautiful. You don't need Facebook land to tell you that. Stop it.

Additionally, putting up a picture of you captioned "no makeup/au natural," but filtered through Instagram to where your skin looks like a cartoon, is not au natural!

9. GUYS WHO POST PICTURES OF THEIR BODY PARTS

Sorry, body builder friends, but someone had to say it. We get it, you're working out a lot. Your muscles are bulging. You look like Mr. Universe. But if I wanted to see close up shots of a femur, or a  calf, or biceps, I'd look at an anatomy textbook. Or Ryan Gosling in a bathing suit.

10. DOCTORS/DENTISTS/CHIROPRACTORS POSTING ABOUT PATIENTS

You have to understand that most of your friends are not in the medical field. So, "Just gave 20 cc's of Sodium Chloride to a 35 year old female with a hematoma to the right fibular ventricle on the left side of her spinal column (C-4) and couldn't believe how slowly the aortic valve was pumping blood!" sounds like "Look! I have a medical degree!" to the rest of us.