8 Annoying Things People Do At The Gym

Shadow Boxing In The Middle Of The Gym: You've seen them. The guys wearing the 90's tank tops and brightly colored shorts (a la AC Slater), white tube socks (pulled all the way up), with white Saucony's on their feet. They're usually wearing a bandana (because fighting an invisible person can really work up a sweat) emblazoned with the old stars and stripes. They hop around on their tip toes, slashing and thrashing at the air, randomly yelling out "Gotcha!" Makes me feel like I'm in a Mortal Kombat game, and someone is about to yell "finish him" over the speakers. Go find an empty studio, or do this in your home. I dodge enough New Yorkers talking to invisible people on the subway, I don't want to have to do the same at the gym,

Women Who Stretch In Front Of A Row Of Machines: You know who I'm talking about. They look like they just stepped out of an American Apparel ad, and because they've been dancing around their room all day to the Flashdance soundtrack, they are just DYING to stretch those hamstrings out in front of your treadmill. Look, I get it. I wear tight things and short shorts to the gym because, frankly, it's comfortable and cute. But, I'm not bending over and touching my toes in front of a row of people working out. This becomes especially annoying when the girls in question are wearing see through "leggings." Thongs, tattoos, everything becomes visible.  Which leads me to...

Inappropriate Clothing:
Women: Please read up on the difference between leggings and pantyhose, and please wear a bra/sports bra. Anything, really, throw on a bikini top if you must. Just something to hold your girls tight. (That's implied, you say? I've seen women just hanging loose at the gym. Not a good look, and I don't understand how that doesn't hurt?!)

Men: Please read up on acceptable lengths of shorts to be worn at the gym. You are not playing for a 1970's NBA team, so your shorts should not stop under your ass cheeks, nor should they have a slit on the side. The only people who should see what kind of heat you're packing are your doctor, and the woman you are sleeping with. Or, if you're married, not sleeping with.

Anyone Who Requests A Channel Change To Fox News. Which are usually the same...

...People Who Argue Over A Machine: You've heard them. Entitled jerks who legitimately start arguments because somebody got on "their" bike. As if there aren't 38 of the same damn bike, all lined up in neat rows for your riding pleasure. I watched a guy pull the most passive aggressive move on someone who got on "his" elliptical. He stood next to the other guy on the machine and hula hooped, all while the guy on the machine hurled insults at him, yelling for someone to kick the hula hooper out. You can't help but stare in wide eyed amazement as these gems unfold. It's like when you watch your senile aunt arguing that the toilet bowl brush is too big for her to brush her teeth with. Unintentionally tragic and hilarious, kind of like watching Mitt Romney trying to talk to a poor person.

People Who Grunt/Moan/Scream: We get it. You're having an intense workout. We all make noises when we're exerting ourselves but, if you're screaming like a banshee, or moaning like a porn star, you're either over exerting yourself, or have a serious lack of attention in your life. Either way, you sound like an idiot. Please stop.

Guys Who Leave Their 80+ Pound Dumbbells On The Floor: There's a code at the gym, and it is very similar to what we were taught when we were toddlers. When you play with something, put it back where you found it.  Would you leave your friend's laptop on the living room floor? (If you answered 'yes', you're an asshole who deserves to be punched) No, you wouldn't, so use the same logic at the gym. I recently watched a guy walk away after leaving his 80 pound dumbbell on the floor. Because I'm notoriously clumsy, and was scared of tripping over it, I ended up picking it up so I could put it away. I'm a strong girl, but that's a lot of fucking weight to pick up properly and hoist back onto a weight rack. As I'm doing the duck walk with this weight in my hand, just a couple more feet away from the rack, the guy walks back over and (thinking he's about to help me) I smile, relieved. He says "excuse me" and STEPS OUT OF MY WAY! As if HE'S doing ME a favor by moving to the side so that the girl who's OBVIOUSLY struggling with HIS dumbbell can have a clearer path to a herniated disc. Fucking moron. And on the opposite end you have....

People Who Drop Their Weights Loudly: We get it. You're fucking strong, Superman. So strong that you had to throw your weights down like a petulant child. Unless you're a bodybuilder trying to bulk up before a show, why don't you try and take the weight down a notch.


We all need physical activity in our lives, so exercise, have fun, and be healthy and happy!  Just stop being annoying while you're doing it :)

The Grapes of Wrath

Have you ever drank a bottle of wine? Those of you who have know what it can do. For me, it usually creates a sense of urgency. An urgency to get all of my thoughts, and fears, and dreams out in the open and into the universe. A release. Before you get worried and call me to ask if I'm ok, I'm good :) I was with my girlfriends, at a ladies night dinner, amongst friends. I wasn't sitting in my room with the lights off listening to Adele and Amy Winehouse (although I agree that that would make this more dramatic).

Seriously though, do you ever get tired of all of the noise in life? The complaining of things that aren't really important? Like the guy at the table next to you cursing the waitress because she wasn't quick enough? The lady in line at the gym who's yelling at the front desk staff because she couldn't reserve bike #3 in her spin class? Don't you ever just want to tap them on the shoulder and say, "Who the fuck cares?"

Our world is filled with hunger, and bigotry, and hatred, and violence, and inequality, and injustice, and racism, and disease, and you're worried about what bike you're going to sit on for a class? You're pissed about your Mercedes being in the shop? Or your Chanel bag that just got scratched? Who the fuck cares?

Family members go years without speaking over a heated exchange. Friends become strangers over miscommunications, and missing invitations to events. Relationships are lost, people are forgotten about, over what? What are we all really upset about? Is it fear of being left out? Fear of being forgotten? Fear of not reaching our full potential, of being unsuccessful? And what is successful, anyhow? Whose standards of measurement are we using? Your definition of success is different than mine. What works for you may not work for others. Who the fuck cares?

Life shouldn't be measured in dollars, and cars, and bags, and houses. It should be measured in relationships, and laughter amongst family and friends. It should be measured in those moments with your sister where you're just sitting alone in a room, making funny faces and laughing until you can't breathe. It should be measured in those quiet moments where we are sitting with a loved one, enjoying a sunset, or cooking a meal together.  It should be measured in how much good we do unto our fellow man, how much we help on a daily basis, when nobody is looking or judging. When did life become a reality show, a talent competition, a race to the finish line?

Why can't we all just be real? (this sound like the opening to an MTV show) Present our real selves to one another. What's with the posturing, and the pontificating? I don't care about your Gucci sunglasses, or your beach house in Malibu, or how much money you have in your wallet. Can I call you when I'm upset? Can I count on you to really listen to me? Can we spend real time together, without tapping away on our phones, and checking our Facebook, and texting, and turning on the TV? Will you be there when there are smiles and laughter, and also when there are tears and despair? 

If you can't, I don't want to know you. I don't want to spend time with you. We've lived enough years to figure out what really matters, and know we need to live a lot more to try and figure out the rest. Cut the bullshit and be yourself. Stand up for what you believe in, speak your mind, be loud, even when everyone is trying to quiet you down. At the end of the day, YOU have to live with yourself. YOU have to live with the choices you've made, the words you've said, and the things that you have done.
Make sure you're ok with you, and if you're not, make a change. Don't worry about what others are telling you is right, or wrong, or how you should live your life. If it's not coming from within your mind, your soul, and your heart, it's just noise. And, really, who the fuck cares?

5 Ways to Quickly Offend an Iranian

5. Walk On Their Carpet With Your Shoes
I don't care if your "shoes are new" or "really clean." Unless you're planning on hovering, floating, or walking on your knuckles, take them off. The gracious, hospitable Iranian host may be smiling at you and saying "that's ok, dear, you can leave them on," but you can be sure they're quickly burning with rage on the inside and testing your cultural awareness.

4. Refuse Their Offers of Food
This really should be Iranian Etiquette Rule #1. If you're a guest in one of our homes, and we put food in front of you, eat it. Fruit, sweets, appetizers, main courses, eat all of it. And I don't mean dainty little bites, I mean heaping spoons, and plates. It doesn't matter if you've already eaten, just had gastric bypass, or are recovering from a bout of food poisoning. Just eat, because honestly, if you've had the last two, you'll throw it up either way. You don't want to risk offending your hosts, as you'll never hear the end of it. "He must not like the way I make zereshk polo" or "I know it's not as good as your moms cooking" or (the ever popular) "My apologies for not being able to cook a proper, tasty meal for you."

I met my boyfriends parents for the first time over dinner at their house. They had the most amazingly delicious spread of fruits, appetizers, wine, Persian food, Italian food, and dessert. Forget that we had just come from having eaten ourselves silly at a prior event, there was no way we were going to let this lovely hospitality go to waste on account of "being full." Not only did I, enthusiastically, eat two plates of food (that lasagna was ridiculous!) but I took one for the team and ate both mine and my boyfriends dessert. I know, I know, I'm so benevolent.

3. Don't Say Hello When You Walk Into An Event
Not only is it rude, it's socially moronic. This is especially important for non Iranians who are being introduced into the Iranian community. Say hello! Especially if it's a room full of older adults. Skip out on that, and you'll henceforth be referred to as bi-adab (without manners) or  Amrikayee-e, balad nist (He/She is American, they don't know any better).

One of my earliest memories comes from being at mehmoonees (Persian gatherings), and having my  mom constantly ask, "Nazanin, did you say Hi to Aunt Mitra? What about Uncle Ali? And his Grandmother that just came from Iran? And his Grandmothers cousin? What about the neighbor, you should run next door and say hi, just to be polite." The last one may be a slight exaggeration, but you get the point.

2. Don't Say GoodBye When You Leave An Event
Please refer to #3, and replace "hello" with "goodbye." This can become very tedious, as you can't just walk up to someone and say "buh bye now!" Everyone must receive a pleasantry and declaration of well wishes, some general questions about their ability to drive home safely, their thoughts on the weather forecast tomorrow, statements on how politicians are all the same, conspiracy theories, and before you know it, everyone is sitting down again as the hosts rush to make more tea and coffee, and bring out a fresh fruit platter and more dessert! Which, by the way, you'd better eat!

1. Don't Invite Them To Something. Bonus Points If You Don't Invite Them To A Wedding.
If you're friends with A, B, and C, and you invite A and B over for drinks one night, but not C, it's bad news bears. It's also apparently a law to invite your friends in the groups that you first met them. If a new person is introduced, person D, then that person can technically be left out at your whim because they were a new addition. But if person D decides to invite persons A, B, and C over and not YOU, best believe sh*t's about to get serious!

Situation is exacerbated if you add a wedding to the mix.This is, by far, the most sure fire way to offend an Iranian. Even if your families haven't spoken in years, if one of you killed the other ones cat, or your ancestors were sworn enemies in the old country, an Iranian will still expect an invite. It doesn't matter if it's the wedding of someones child, and you haven't seen their child since they were in 5th grade, you're still expecting an invite. Don't try to reason with the offended, they'll come back with, "But I've always asked how Ali joon is doing." "But you haven't spoken to his mom in 3 years." "So what? They've been in my thoughts!" I'm already anxious about my wedding guest list, and I'm not even engaged.

I hope this blog helps non Iranians avoid cultural minefields, one mine at a time!

6 Captivating Quirks of the Elusive Iranian Dad

Growing up in America with immigrant parents presents its own set of unique challenges. Now if your father is Iranian, you're in for a hell of a ride, albeit a fun one...


*Baba = Dad
*Joonam = My Dear/Life


6. He will bargain for anything. Anywhere.
Take, for example, back to school shopping. Going with my Baba was always more fun than going with my mom because he said 'yes' to everything. Unless it was a short skirt, but we'll get to that later.  However, there was always one thing I dreaded about it...paying. While being rung up, my dad would smile and say, "So, these are half off, right?" The salesperson would laugh and say, "No, sorry sir." I would proceed to elbow him in the ribs, "Baba, stop." But, he'd continue. "Oh come on, you can give it to us with a discount." As he was bargaining, I was sweating and nervously surveying the scene around me, praying that none of my classmates were in the store. He'd say, "don't worry, baba joonam, they can give a discount." I would always try to reason with him, "Baba, this isn't a bazaar in Tehran, we can't haggle the salesperson at Express" (remember how cool it was to shop there?). Please stop." I have this shopping experience with him every time, and every time I tell him the same thing, never to any avail.

5. Bikinis are not encouraged.
I remember wearing my first bikini as a young lady, and I remember my dad looking at me like he had just seen a ghost.

"Baba joonam, don't you want to wear some more clothes?"
"Um, no, we're going to the beach. What else would I wear?
"You can wear one of those skirt bathing suits, or some shorts."
"Dad, this isn't 1950."

After some cajoling, he'd eventually let it go, and we'd hit the beach. To this day, we still have the same bikini conversation.

4. Come to think of it, skin baring outfits are generally discouraged.
It doesn't matter that I'm a grown woman, my dad still tries to convince me to not wear short skirts, or shorts in general. Short skirts being anything above the knee :/ Which reminds me of my brief stint as a cheerleader in high school. My dad came to one of the basketball games to watch me cheer. None of my guy friends talked to me, or even acknowledged my existence, for fear of an untimely death. After the game, and after performing some stunts with my squad, I excitedly asked my dad what he thought of the performance. "You were great, but I don't understand why you have to jump up and down in front of a bunch of boys while wearing a napkin. Can't you wear pants under the skirt?" Needless to say, I didn't try out next season.

3. If you are male (family not included) you are at an automatic disadvantage.
If you're male, and you come within 4 feet of an Iranian daughter, you run the risk of mysteriously disappearing.  I've had so many male friends (just friends!) that have done everything from bringing flowers when they come over, to bottles of whiskey for my dad, and it just doesn't make a difference. Stand too close, and the Iranian dad will walk over and stand in between you two, even if you're in the middle of a conversation. And don't even THINK about putting your arm around us, even if it's for a picture. My sister and I can attest to this. I remember my dad calling me after seeing a picture of me on Facebook with a really good male friend of mine who had casually draped his arm around my shoulder in a picture.

"Baba joonam, why do you have a picture like this? What is this boy trying to do?"
"Huh? We're just taking a picture."
"But you'll give off the wrong impression."
"Baba, he's gay."
"That doesn't matter."
(slapping my forehead)

And it's not just him you have to worry about, it's every other Iranian dad friend that he has. They'll all help, no questions asked. "Asghar, I need you here in an hour. Bring a shovel, and a bottle of Johnnie Walker. Blue Label."

2. Speaking of which, he only drinks two kinds of alcoholic beverages: Johnnie Walker, and Heineken.
Survey the scene at an Iranian party, and you'll either see the Iranian dad with a green bottle, or a crystal glass. My family and I were in the Virgin Islands a few Summer's ago, and we hit the duty free shops on our way out. My dad couldn't believe how cheap the bottles of Johnnie Walker were, so he bought two cases. Six bottles in each case. Oh, and rum, can't forget the rum. I'm surprised Customs didn't arrest us for  intent to sell and distribute. Glad we could break stereotypes, one case of whiskey at a time.

1. He has a conspiracy theory on everything. 
Everything has an underlying reason, and nothing is what it seems. Now I must admit, growing up with this kind of critical eye made me more aware of things going on in the world, and how we shouldn't always believe everything that we are fed, but sometimes it just gets ridiculous. The outcome of a football game, steak not being cooked properly at a restaurant, the pump at the gas station not working, it's all a conspiracy. Everyone is out to get you, or take advantage of you, or wants your money. He even thinks politics are rigged! Can you believe that?!

All things considered, Iranian dad's are the BEST, and will do anything for their families. I love my Baba, even if his jokes are corny, and he thinks I should always wear pants.