Top 7 Reasons Why Norooz Is The Best Holiday Ever!

1. Norooz Marks the Beginning of Spring!

It's a beautiful season, rife with all sorts of symbolism marking the opportunity for a real new start. Flowers are starting to bloom, there's more sunshine in the day, everything feels light and airy and free! The possibilities for what you can accomplish in the new year seem endless, way more endless than the first day of that other new year that's smack dab in the middle of a dark, dreary, and cold season.

2. This Is the Only Time (most) Persian Kids Are Allowed Pets In The House...

...in the form of Goldfish. The Goldfish are a part of the traditional HaftSeen spread, symbolizing life. Try explaining to a child why their only chance at a pet will inevitably die, usually before the holiday is even over. Persian kids have been forced to cope with death as early as they can remember Norooz, watching the goldfish die, one by one.

"Maman, why is that one floating upside down?"

"Eez dead, azizam. Pets die, dees eez vhy I don't let you to have one. You cannot alvays take care of eet."

Scarred.For.Life.

3. You Won't Be Inundated With "resolutions" to Lose Weight...Because Everyone is Force Feeding You Food!

The food, oh the food. 13 days of non-stop home cooked Persian food. 13 days of rice based dishes, which sounds like a Hollywood star's worst nightmare, but a Persian's dream. And who could forget the shirini (sweets & pastries)?! Persian bakeries are working overtime to accommodate the influx of orders for baked goods. Diabetics up their insulin shots and deal with the consequences after the holiday is over. It's just that good. You may tell yourself you'll only have "one or two with my chaeey (tea)" but we all know that once that tray is passed around, you'll have so much honey and sugar on your lips, you'll look like you just made out with a jar of vaseline.


4. Eidi $$ (Norooz gifts of Money)

Whenever you visit someone's house during the celebration of Norooz, you go to their HaftSeen (the table of 7 S's representing different wishes for the New Year) and you open the book of Poetry they have on the table. There are bills of all denominations in between the pages, just waiting for guests to pluck them from obscurity. The page that you've opened up to is read aloud, and that poem is a representation of what your year will hold for you, a telling of your future. So you get a reading, and YOU get paid for it. Sweet!

5. Eid Didani, Literally Translated: Seeing for the New Year. In Short, Going from House to House, Spending Time With Your Family and Friends.

How much fun is that?! 13 days of seeing everyone you love, with people giving you food, sweets, and money just for showing up. With Christmas, you're stuck wherever you are for that one day, and there's usually no escape, also due to weather conditions. With Norooz, if you get bored (or want more money) you can totally use the excuse that you still have to make more rounds of visiting family and friends, and just leave whenever you want!

6. Dancing, Drinking, Dancing!

The amount of parties can be overwhelming to a non-Persian. The best way to prepare for these 13 days is to nap frequently, and stay hydrated, so that you can party all night. You will always be expected to dance. All night. No excuses.

"Vat you are meaning you are tie-yerd? You must do danceeng veet us!" 

You will be exhausted at the end of the night. You will be hungover the next morning. You will have blisters for days. But the memories, the laughter, and the fun will make it all worth while. I promise.

7. Sizde Bedar - Loose Translation: The 13th Outside

13 is considered a number of bad luck, so on the 13th (and last) day of the Norooz celebration, Persians leave their homes en masse to celebrate. They go to big parks to barbecue, dance, eat, play sports, talk about what everyone is wearing, pretend like they're dressed down for the park but really they took a lot of time picking out those jeans and cute hoodies to match (it takes more effort to look casually dressed down than you may think). It's fun to play games all day and watch the people who wore dress shoes, skirts, and slacks, try to navigate their way around the grass and mud without getting dirty.

(Rumor also has it that this mass gathering of Persians was the catalyst to create Homeland Security. Just a rumor, I'm sure)

Lastly, young women are supposed to tie little knots in pieces of the sabzi that were grown on their haftseen spread, and throw them in a body of water, wishing for a husband, because, as we all know, the most important thing that can happen to a woman is to get married. Unless they're over 30 and unmarried, in which case they're expected to throw themselves into the water. (Just kidding. I think)

Sale Hamegi Mobarak, va omidvaram ke saletoon por az khoobi, khoshi, va movafagheeat bashe!

Translation: Happy New Year to everyone, and I hope that your year is filled with wellness, happiness, and prosperity/success!

3 Double Standards for Persians & Getting Married

You know they exist. Big Time. It doesn't matter how advanced, progressed, and liberal we've become as a society, Persians will always have the double standard market on lock when it comes to relationships and marriage, as it pertains to males vs. females. And they have no qualms about it. They may sometimes pass it off as a joke, but we all know that behind every joke lies some truth, and behind every double standard, there lies a Persian.

These are, in my opinion, the three biggest double standards...

The Marrying Age for Men vs. Women

Persians have a term for an unmarried woman over 29, and that's torshide.  Literally translated, it means we've expired, grown sour, basically of no use to mankind. There is a side dish served with food called torshi (pickled vegetables) and that's the root word for this term. Coincidence that it's a side dish? You be the judge.

An unmarried Persian woman over 29 is damaged goods. I mean, she must be, right? If nobody put a diamond on her left hand, there must be something wrong with her. It can't be her choice. It can't be that she's independent, accomplishing her goals, and perhaps waiting for her perfect match. It can't be that she chose to stay unmarried until she felt it was right. It must be because she's not marriage material, and no man picked her. Poor, poor girl. How sad.

An unmarried Persian man over 29? Jackpot!! What a catch!! So mature!! So handsome!! So successful!! He just hasn't found a good girl. Poor guy. Let's all collectively pool our resources together and talk to our sisters, neighbors, and strangers on the streets to see who has a nice daughter between the ages of 18-25 that we could set him up with. He's just SO busy working hard and making money that he can't be bothered with dating. I feel so bad for him! I will make it my life's mission to set him up with a nice girl he can marry!

If We Date a Non-Persian (rare exceptions to this rule exist)

If a Persian man or woman dates a non-Persian, nobody takes the relationship seriously. Oh, they're just having fun, they're just school friends, they're just waiting for a Persian. A Persian mom will actively try and set her son up with a Persian girl, while the son is still with the non-Persian. You know you've seen it happen, don't lie. You may have even been an accessory to the set up!

And then, if the Persian and the non-Persian get married, people will refer to it as heyf, or a waste. As if the Persian is the chosen one, and being in a committed relationship with anyone outside of this golden circle is somehow an injustice to the world that is so cruel, and so terrible, that the whole union is a waste. This really applies to the men more than the women. If a Persian woman gets married to a white guy, the family will just be happy that she's married, and managed to avoid turning into a jar of pickled vegetables. But ask a Persian mom how she feels about her son marrying a non Persian, and you will get the truth about how she feels...as long as nobody non-Persian is around!

What They Tell the Women about Getting Married vs. What They Tell the Men

Women are told to hurry up! Find a husband! Get married and have kids!! As if we can go to Costco and peruse the Persian Man Samples until we find one that we really like and want to buy and take home, instead of sample for a second and throw away in the big grey trash bin.

I had a family friend (whom I love very much) who was talking to me at a gathering recently. She stepped in really close to my face and squinted her eyes. I thought she was about to tell me I had food in my teeth, but no, that wasn't it. "NazNaz, you need to get married soon. You've got about a year or two left to look like a pretty bride. After that, it won't be so good." And that was at a Christmas party.

Men? Take your time! Enjoy being single! Have fun with white girls!

And that pretty much sums it up.