Shadow Boxing In The Middle Of The Gym: You've seen them. The guys wearing the 90's tank tops and brightly colored shorts (a la AC Slater), white tube socks (pulled all the way up), with white Saucony's on their feet. They're usually wearing a bandana (because fighting an invisible person can really work up a sweat) emblazoned with the old stars and stripes. They hop around on their tip toes, slashing and thrashing at the air, randomly yelling out "Gotcha!" Makes me feel like I'm in a Mortal Kombat game, and someone is about to yell "finish him" over the speakers. Go find an empty studio, or do this in your home. I dodge enough New Yorkers talking to invisible people on the subway, I don't want to have to do the same at the gym,
Women Who Stretch In Front Of A Row Of Machines: You know who I'm talking about. They look like they just stepped out of an American Apparel ad, and because they've been dancing around their room all day to the Flashdance soundtrack, they are just DYING to stretch those hamstrings out in front of your treadmill. Look, I get it. I wear tight things and short shorts to the gym because, frankly, it's comfortable and cute. But, I'm not bending over and touching my toes in front of a row of people working out. This becomes especially annoying when the girls in question are wearing see through "leggings." Thongs, tattoos, everything becomes visible. Which leads me to...
Inappropriate Clothing:
Women: Please read up on the difference between leggings and pantyhose, and please wear a bra/sports bra. Anything, really, throw on a bikini top if you must. Just something to hold your girls tight. (That's implied, you say? I've seen women just hanging loose at the gym. Not a good look, and I don't understand how that doesn't hurt?!)
Men: Please read up on acceptable lengths of shorts to be worn at the gym. You are not playing for a 1970's NBA team, so your shorts should not stop under your ass cheeks, nor should they have a slit on the side. The only people who should see what kind of heat you're packing are your doctor, and the woman you are sleeping with. Or, if you're married, not sleeping with.
Anyone Who Requests A Channel Change To Fox News. Which are usually the same...
...People Who Argue Over A Machine: You've heard them. Entitled jerks who legitimately start arguments because somebody got on "their" bike. As if there aren't 38 of the same damn bike, all lined up in neat rows for your riding pleasure. I watched a guy pull the most passive aggressive move on someone who got on "his" elliptical. He stood next to the other guy on the machine and hula hooped, all while the guy on the machine hurled insults at him, yelling for someone to kick the hula hooper out. You can't help but stare in wide eyed amazement as these gems unfold. It's like when you watch your senile aunt arguing that the toilet bowl brush is too big for her to brush her teeth with. Unintentionally tragic and hilarious, kind of like watching Mitt Romney trying to talk to a poor person.
People Who Grunt/Moan/Scream: We get it. You're having an intense workout. We all make noises when we're exerting ourselves but, if you're screaming like a banshee, or moaning like a porn star, you're either over exerting yourself, or have a serious lack of attention in your life. Either way, you sound like an idiot. Please stop.
Guys Who Leave Their 80+ Pound Dumbbells On The Floor: There's a code at the gym, and it is very similar to what we were taught when we were toddlers. When you play with something, put it back where you found it. Would you leave your friend's laptop on the living room floor? (If you answered 'yes', you're an asshole who deserves to be punched) No, you wouldn't, so use the same logic at the gym. I recently watched a guy walk away after leaving his 80 pound dumbbell on the floor. Because I'm notoriously clumsy, and was scared of tripping over it, I ended up picking it up so I could put it away. I'm a strong girl, but that's a lot of fucking weight to pick up properly and hoist back onto a weight rack. As I'm doing the duck walk with this weight in my hand, just a couple more feet away from the rack, the guy walks back over and (thinking he's about to help me) I smile, relieved. He says "excuse me" and STEPS OUT OF MY WAY! As if HE'S doing ME a favor by moving to the side so that the girl who's OBVIOUSLY struggling with HIS dumbbell can have a clearer path to a herniated disc. Fucking moron. And on the opposite end you have....
People Who Drop Their Weights Loudly: We get it. You're fucking strong, Superman. So strong that you had to throw your weights down like a petulant child. Unless you're a bodybuilder trying to bulk up before a show, why don't you try and take the weight down a notch.
We all need physical activity in our lives, so exercise, have fun, and be healthy and happy! Just stop being annoying while you're doing it :)
