These tips are designed to help get you through the first part of the night. If you make it to the second part of the night intact, stay tuned for Part 2...
1. When meeting her parents for the first time, do not wear anything less than dress pants and a dress shirt. Show up in a t-shirt and jeans and you'll be referred to as 'nafahm,' which basically means he who does not understand, or 'bi pedar o madar,' which means he who has no mother or father. Trust me, it makes sense.
Pro Tip: Blazers preferred, ties get you bonus points.
2. Learn some basics, like how to say 'hello' (Salam), 'how are you?' (Khoobi?), and that we are not Arab.
Pro Tip: No, really, we are not Arab.
3. Bring her mother flowers. Make sure they're not wilting, dry, or an ugly color. Your flower choices will be scrutinized.
Pro Tip: Persian moms love flowers that will continue to blossom. Orchids are a great choice.
4. Bring her father really good scotch. Be prepared to go toe to toe with him.
Pro Tip: Eat something beforehand.
5. Do not, under ANY circumstances, greet the Persian girl with anything more than a smile and a 'hello.' Handshakes may be permissible, but do not hold on to her hand for longer than two seconds. Physical contact is, at this point, forbidden. Go in for a hug and her father will shoot daggers through your skull so sharp that you may drop dead on the spot.
Pro Tip: Just don't look at her.
6. If she has a sister, brother, or both, bring them something. You need them on your side as the evening goes on and the conversations potentially get awkward. Siblings can either be a great buffer/comic relief, or your worst nightmare. Be wise.
Pro Tip: Compliment her sister and bring her baked goods. If she has a brother, just pour him a glass of the scotch.
7. Don't swear or tell dirty jokes, unless you want them to think you're a 'laat,' which is basically the equivalent of a hoodlum/vagrant/uneducated fool.
Pro Tip: Learn an easy joke in English.
8. Make sure you're aware of what happened in Iran in 1953, and 1979.
Pro Tip: Google.
9. Tell her mother that the flowers in her garden are the most beautiful you've ever seen. Did she do that on her own? Wow! Impressive! And that crystal bowl, is that Mikasa, or Waterford? Either way, excellent choice.
Pro Tip: "And your home is so clean and well decorated! Are these silk rugs from Iran? Stunning."
10. When her mother offers you more food, say 'Thank you! I'd love more! Your cooking is so perfectly delicious that I just can't say 'no.'
Pro Tip: Don't say 'no.'
