6 Captivating Quirks of the Elusive Iranian Mom

**DISCLAIMER** I love my Iranian mom, and I love yours, too.

6. She carries an assortment of fruit & candy, granola bars, as well as a lone cucumber in her purse.
She's your one stop shop for hunger pangs, low blood sugar, and random cucumber cravings (sometimes even providing a salt packet for the cucumber, most likely stored in her purse from her most recent dining experience at Panera or Corner Bakery). Speaking from personal experience, this quirk is extremely beneficial. Countless lives have been spared thanks to my mom quelling my hunger monster. (Have you ever dealt with a woman who needs to be fed? It's not pretty)

5. Listening to music at a high volume is unacceptable, unless it's Persian music.
When my mom is in the car with me, she'll claim the hip-hop and/or R&B I'm listening to is loud enough to burst eardrums, and is giving her a headache. This is accompanied with a hand to the head/hand covering her eyes, and a pained expression. The music gets turned down so low that even a dog wouldn't be able to hear it. Pop in an Andy, or Kamran & Hooman CD (famous Persian pop singers) and the headache is all of a sudden cured! Hand clapping, dancing in the seat, and singing along to the music follow.

4. Blames your piercings for any physical illness/ailment you may encounter.
I got my belly button pierced when I was 21. Nine years later, and my mom still blames any stomach pain of mine on the belly button ring. "You should remove it. You're killing yourself!" I got my nose pierced a few years ago, and if I came down with a cold, my mom blamed it on my nose ring. I explained to her that the diamond stud in my nose could not possibly be carrying a virus. She told me I didn't know anything.

3. Anything can quickly spiral into a trip down guilt lane.
Ever tried going out to dinner on an evening your mom has cooked?

"Ok, honey, I just stood here all day peeling, and cutting, and chopping, to make your favorite dish. My back is killing me, and I now have such a bad migraine that I can hardly see straight. But if you want to go out with your friends, that's fine, honey. I love you. Whatever you think is best."

Just give up at this point. Do not, I repeat do NOT, attempt to argue or reason with her. Take off your jacket, and shoes (especially if you live in a home with Persian rugs!) and sit down at the dinner table. From now on, you should just plan on meeting your friends for dessert.

2. Speaking of Persian Rugs...
These wondrously woven, intricately detailed pieces of floor art are the most valuable possession in her home. Do you know how difficult it is to get rugs sent over from Iran? I do, because every time we have visited Iran we've had to take 47 trips to the bazaar to pick out the perfect carpets, haggle the prices down, and figure out how to get them to America, unscathed. And she won't pick out the smaller ones, either. It'll be the ones as long as a regulation size football field. So don't even THINK about walking on these with your shoes.

Side story: I sliced my hand open when I was 12 while rock jumping in a lake near my house. I was more fearful about getting in trouble for acting like a Power Ranger than I was about my exposed bone. Upon my arrival at the house (tear stained face, blood gushing out of my hand, pressing my friend's coat into my open wound) my mom freaked out, naturally. As she ran to call my dad, she yelled out behind her, "Nazanin! Don't get any blood on the carpet!"

1. A Mehmoonee (party/gathering of friends) immediately turns her into a wartime commander.
(Pay attention to this one. It could save your life.)


Anytime she is set to host a mehmoonee, the Iranian mom goes in to battle mode. As her next of kin, you are expected to remain on standby beginning as early as one week before the battle is set to commence AKA the night of the Mehmoonee.

Please, for your safety and sanity, follow her instructions carefully. If she sends you to COSTCO with a list, do NOT deviate from the list. If, for example, the list calls for red seedless grapes, do NOT buy any other kind of grape. My father learned this lesson the hard way.

Do not plan on exercising during this week, as your muscles will be fatigued from various activities such as, but not limited to: The vacuuming of everything from carpets, and drapes, to ceilings, and staircases. The cleaning of the bathrooms, even that small one in the basement that NObody ever uses. Cleaning the china and crystal, all 478 sets of them (because apparently Iranian mom's just can't pass up a deal on Lenox or Mikasa. I swear, every time I visit, there's at least 2 new sets of dinnerware).

This is the most important one of all: On the day of battle, er, the mehmoonee, do NOT speak unless spoken to, do not question her when she asks you to do anything (even if it's to clean that small bathroom in the basement, again) and make sure she remains hydrated and fed. Follow these rules, and you shall be victorious!

Love you, Saghi :)

10 Annoying things people do, and other musings.

10. When you call someone, leave a voicemail, and they text you back “What’s up?”

I just left you a voicemail, what’s up is what’s in the message. Call me back, idiot.

On a related note, it’s annoying when you just miss a person’s call, and you immediately call them back, but they don’t answer. What did you do, hang up and throw your phone against the wall? Sprint out of the room? Pick. Up.

9. To follow #10, people who text back ‘K.’ Why are you wasting my life/getting me excited with a text, only to disappoint me? If I text you “Dinner’s at 8, see you there,” I’m assuming your non response is confirmation that you’ll be there. I don’t need a ‘K.’ Thanks.

8. When people ask you a question, then don’t bother listening to the answer. You can see their eyes glaze over (what I have dubbed the Krispy Kreme), and you know they’re thinking about what they’re going to eat that night, what their next Facebook status update will be, or whether or not they remembered to DVR Keeping Up With The Kardashian’s.

I was recently a victim of the Krispy Kreme, so I decided to mess with the person.

Me: Yea, so, I’ll be editing that in the next few weeks, I may have bladder cancer, and then I’ll send the edited version back in to so and so.

Annoying Person: Ok, that’s wassup.

Me: Really? Me alluding to the fact that I may or may not be experiencing painful urination, blood in my urine, and/or extreme abdominal pain is ‘wassup?’

If you don’t care about the answer, don’t ask the question. I probably didn’t feel like talking to you anyhow.

7. When someone asks you if you’ve seen a particular movie, and you say ‘no,’ and they repeat the question several times, getting more worked up/agitated/incredulous.

I had one of these conversations recently, and it went something like this:

Annoying Person: “Have you seen Star Wars?”

Me: “No, I haven’t.”

Annoying Person: (louder) “What?! You haven’t seen Star Wars?!”

Me: “Uh, I just said I haven’t.”

Annoying Person: (yelling now, spit flying out of mouth) “Wait a minute, are you serious!? You’ve NEVER seen Star Wars?”

Me: “I’m not deaf. I haven’t seen the damn movie.”

(Annoying person then proceeds to look at you as if they’ve just discovered you’re the anti-Christ, which is apparently still a step above someone who hasn’t seen Star Wars.)

6. People who start a sentence with “Ugh, I hate drama, BUT...” and then proceed to tell you a story that has been blown out of proportion/fabricated. Those are usually the same people who claim “I’m not a typical girl/guy, I’m real” and “I don’t like to gossip.”  Rest assured, those are the people that will bring the most grief in to your life. RUN!

5. People on the bus who talk loudly on their cell phones. I don’t care what your mom made for dinner, what KiKi did that pissed you off, or why your boyfriend is a cheating scumbag. Well, the last one could be fun to listen to, but I don’t like gossip, so....

4. People who wear cut off shirts, and booty shorts to the gym. (Yes, I’ve seen guys in this getup) I don’t want to see your ass cheeks, or have your boobs/hanging balls flopping around in front of me while I try to get my sweat on. If the models at the gym are covered up, you probably should be, too. Thanks.

3. To follow number 4, women who walk around the locker room completely nude. I’m sure the guys are getting a nice visual right now, but you wouldn’t feel that way if you’ve seen what I’ve seen. Ladies, if you insist on doing this, please invest in a good razor, or a good wax. Please.

2. People who blow up my Facebook and Twitter feed/notifications because they’re all of a sudden ESPN commentators any time there is a game on. I’m watching the game, I won’t be reading your updates. Also, the ref’s/owners/managers/players can’t hear you. They don’t care about your opinion, and neither do I.

1. On that note, in reference to the Redskins, or my favorite sports teams, stop telling me things like “You played terrible. You have really shitty offense. We are going to kick your ass!”

I don’t play for a sports team, I don’t own a sports team, and I damn sure don’t get paid like any of them, either. YOU didn’t play well, the team you spend a lot of money supporting did. I don’t have shitty offense, because that doesn’t even make sense. (I’ve totally been guilty of this, maybe I’m just bitter. But, if the Redskins ever make the playoffs, I will absolutely be rubbing it in your face)

We’ve all been guilty of some of these things. Let’s try and make the world a less annoying place and stop doing them.

Much Love.

Nazanin :)