1. LIKING YOUR OWN STATUS
This is like having a discussion with someone, or talking to a group of people, and then standing up to give yourself a round of applause when you're done talking. We already know you're a fan of what you said because, well, you said it. Which leads me to...
2. LIKING YOUR OWN PICTURES (New parents excluded, because babies are adorable)
This is like saying "Jean Claude Van Damme I look sexy!" which is totally fine, it just kinda makes you look conceited. Let your friends do the liking.
3. POSTING PICTURES OF THE LIQUOR BOTTLES AT YOUR TABLE AT THE CLUB
It's actually good when people do this because it lets everyone know which of their friends are terrible at math. Posting pics of all the liquor bottles at the table isn't "cool," it's just saying "Hey, I could have gotten this bottle of vodka for $40 at the liquor store, but I decided that paying $200 for it was absolutely reasonable and fair."
4. STATUS UPDATES THAT ALSO INVOLVE ANGRY SONG LYRICS
We all see them daily, and we all think "why?" Things like "how could you be so heartless?" or "I got 99 problems and now that BITCH aint one!" or "It wasn't like you only talked to him and you know it, don't act like you don't know it!" aren't going to get that person you're angry at to answer you. That'll get that person to quickly defriend you and start blocking your calls. And maybe get a restraining order.
5. VAGUE/CRYPTIC STATUS UPDATES
These are kind of like the angry song lyrics, but they're actually worse, especially when people start commenting and asking questions, and the person never answers. If you're going to write things like "I can't believe this is happening" or "I finally got the news" or "Guess that's how it is, and nobody cares" at least ANSWER the people who have taken your bait and are asking questions. You clearly wanted the attention, so take it!
6. PICTURES OF AWESOME LOOKING FOOD AT RESTAURANTS...
...without telling us where you are!! Why would you tease my mouth like that? Tell us where you are so we can go eat it, too. Jerk.
7. PEOPLE WHO PIC STITCH/COLLAGE/INSTAGRAM...
...multiple pictures of themselves, in the same outfit, in the same room, in a different pose. You're not Andy Warhol. Stop it.
8. GIRLS WHO CAPTION THEIR PHOTOS WITH NEGATIVE/FISHING COMMENTS
Captioning photos with "need to diet!" or "ugh, my hair looks terrible today! " are very transparent ploys to get compliments. You're not fooling anyone. Also, putting up a picture of you in a hot dress, all glammed up, leaning against a wall/column/chair with a caption like "I really love this wallpaper/column/chair, is also really dumb and obvious. You're beautiful. You don't need Facebook land to tell you that. Stop it.
Additionally, putting up a picture of you captioned "no makeup/au natural," but filtered through Instagram to where your skin looks like a cartoon, is not au natural!
9. GUYS WHO POST PICTURES OF THEIR BODY PARTS
Sorry, body builder friends, but someone had to say it. We get it, you're working out a lot. Your muscles are bulging. You look like Mr. Universe. But if I wanted to see close up shots of a femur, or a calf, or biceps, I'd look at an anatomy textbook. Or Ryan Gosling in a bathing suit.
10. DOCTORS/DENTISTS/CHIROPRACTORS POSTING ABOUT PATIENTS
You have to understand that most of your friends are not in the medical field. So, "Just gave 20 cc's of Sodium Chloride to a 35 year old female with a hematoma to the right fibular ventricle on the left side of her spinal column (C-4) and couldn't believe how slowly the aortic valve was pumping blood!" sounds like "Look! I have a medical degree!" to the rest of us.
