6 Captivating Quirks of the Elusive Iranian Mom

**DISCLAIMER** I love my Iranian mom, and I love yours, too.

6. She carries an assortment of fruit & candy, granola bars, as well as a lone cucumber in her purse.
She's your one stop shop for hunger pangs, low blood sugar, and random cucumber cravings (sometimes even providing a salt packet for the cucumber, most likely stored in her purse from her most recent dining experience at Panera or Corner Bakery). Speaking from personal experience, this quirk is extremely beneficial. Countless lives have been spared thanks to my mom quelling my hunger monster. (Have you ever dealt with a woman who needs to be fed? It's not pretty)

5. Listening to music at a high volume is unacceptable, unless it's Persian music.
When my mom is in the car with me, she'll claim the hip-hop and/or R&B I'm listening to is loud enough to burst eardrums, and is giving her a headache. This is accompanied with a hand to the head/hand covering her eyes, and a pained expression. The music gets turned down so low that even a dog wouldn't be able to hear it. Pop in an Andy, or Kamran & Hooman CD (famous Persian pop singers) and the headache is all of a sudden cured! Hand clapping, dancing in the seat, and singing along to the music follow.

4. Blames your piercings for any physical illness/ailment you may encounter.
I got my belly button pierced when I was 21. Nine years later, and my mom still blames any stomach pain of mine on the belly button ring. "You should remove it. You're killing yourself!" I got my nose pierced a few years ago, and if I came down with a cold, my mom blamed it on my nose ring. I explained to her that the diamond stud in my nose could not possibly be carrying a virus. She told me I didn't know anything.

3. Anything can quickly spiral into a trip down guilt lane.
Ever tried going out to dinner on an evening your mom has cooked?

"Ok, honey, I just stood here all day peeling, and cutting, and chopping, to make your favorite dish. My back is killing me, and I now have such a bad migraine that I can hardly see straight. But if you want to go out with your friends, that's fine, honey. I love you. Whatever you think is best."

Just give up at this point. Do not, I repeat do NOT, attempt to argue or reason with her. Take off your jacket, and shoes (especially if you live in a home with Persian rugs!) and sit down at the dinner table. From now on, you should just plan on meeting your friends for dessert.

2. Speaking of Persian Rugs...
These wondrously woven, intricately detailed pieces of floor art are the most valuable possession in her home. Do you know how difficult it is to get rugs sent over from Iran? I do, because every time we have visited Iran we've had to take 47 trips to the bazaar to pick out the perfect carpets, haggle the prices down, and figure out how to get them to America, unscathed. And she won't pick out the smaller ones, either. It'll be the ones as long as a regulation size football field. So don't even THINK about walking on these with your shoes.

Side story: I sliced my hand open when I was 12 while rock jumping in a lake near my house. I was more fearful about getting in trouble for acting like a Power Ranger than I was about my exposed bone. Upon my arrival at the house (tear stained face, blood gushing out of my hand, pressing my friend's coat into my open wound) my mom freaked out, naturally. As she ran to call my dad, she yelled out behind her, "Nazanin! Don't get any blood on the carpet!"

1. A Mehmoonee (party/gathering of friends) immediately turns her into a wartime commander.
(Pay attention to this one. It could save your life.)


Anytime she is set to host a mehmoonee, the Iranian mom goes in to battle mode. As her next of kin, you are expected to remain on standby beginning as early as one week before the battle is set to commence AKA the night of the Mehmoonee.

Please, for your safety and sanity, follow her instructions carefully. If she sends you to COSTCO with a list, do NOT deviate from the list. If, for example, the list calls for red seedless grapes, do NOT buy any other kind of grape. My father learned this lesson the hard way.

Do not plan on exercising during this week, as your muscles will be fatigued from various activities such as, but not limited to: The vacuuming of everything from carpets, and drapes, to ceilings, and staircases. The cleaning of the bathrooms, even that small one in the basement that NObody ever uses. Cleaning the china and crystal, all 478 sets of them (because apparently Iranian mom's just can't pass up a deal on Lenox or Mikasa. I swear, every time I visit, there's at least 2 new sets of dinnerware).

This is the most important one of all: On the day of battle, er, the mehmoonee, do NOT speak unless spoken to, do not question her when she asks you to do anything (even if it's to clean that small bathroom in the basement, again) and make sure she remains hydrated and fed. Follow these rules, and you shall be victorious!

Love you, Saghi :)