1. STOP CARING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU
I'm not saying be an asshole and expect people to love you. I'm saying to be yourself without having to explain, or make excuses for your passions, interests, and dreams. If you're respectful, and polite to someone, and they just don't care for you, who the fuck cares? If they're judgmental of the life choices you've made for yourself, who the fuck cares? They are 1 person out of 7 billion on this planet. There are 6,999,999,999 more people that you can make a real connection with. Stay true to yourself, and don't compromise what you stand for.
2. UNDERSTAND THAT THE WAY PEOPLE TREAT YOU OR REACT TO YOU HAS MORE TO DO WITH WHAT'S INSIDE OF THEM THAN IT DOES WHAT'S INSIDE OF YOU
Let go of feeling the need to win people over. I feel like this happens a lot in our teens, and 20's. Wanting people to like us, accept us, and understand us. Truth is, that's not going to happen with everyone you meet, and that's ok! One of the most beautiful things in life is the connection we make with other human beings. The interests that we share, the different opinions that we are exposed to that make us think, and the happiness we get from making deeper connections with people. If that happened with everyone we came into contact with, we would never get anything done, and the world would start getting pretty boring. Most of the times, if someone is treating you with disrespect, rudeness, or any other form of negativity, it's because of whatever traumas they're dealing with in their minds. Our experiences shape who we are, and how we react to those around us. Some people don't know how to express anger, sadness, frustration, etc., so their negativity can come out by being an asshole to you. Don't let other people's traumas seep into your psyche, and negatively impact your behaviors. Smile and walk away.
3. MAINTAIN YOUR CONNECTIONS WITH FRIENDS
Regardless of what your Facebook friend count shows, you're not meant to have 3927 friends. Those aren't your friends. Those are your "friends." Happiness in life comes from connecting with others, creating memories, laughing, sharing thoughts, drying tears, traveling, celebrating, and everything in between. How many people can you call at 3am to come pick you up because you're drunk, or ask to talk you through a panic attack, or just listen to you cry and rant about something that hurt you, knowing you won't get judged for any of it? Those are the people you should make sure you're keeping in touch with, spending time with, and giving your maximum efforts to. I'm not saying don't be social with new friends. I'm just saying, remember the ones who truly love you, and make sure you maintain those friendships throughout life as best as you can.
4. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS
We are all on different paths. We all want different things. What's at the top of your list may not be at the top of mine, and we shouldn't be judging one another for it. Stop trying to make everyone think like you. Respect and appreciate your differences. Celebrate other people's accomplishments. Be encouraging. Be supportive. It's ok if that person got that promotion, or that part, your turn will come. What good will it do to your soul, and your well being, to hate on other people? Other than creating negativity in your body, nothing. You'll continue down your path of success when you focus on what you're doing, rather than on what everyone else is doing.
5. AGE MEANS NOTHING
Unless you're waiting to drive, enlist in the military, or drink alcohol, age really is just a number. Society will dictate to you what it means to be 25, 30, 35, 40, and on and on. Only you have the power to tune that shit out and do what you believe in. Chase the things you believe in. Put time and effort into the things you believe in. Don't let someone tell you that you can't do something because of your age. The majority of the time, people try and discourage you from something because of their own fears. Don't let that get into your head.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Growing Up With A Persian Mom Means...
If you don't call her back within 10 minutes of her leaving you a voicemail, she will think you're either dead, kidnapped, or a terrible daughter. If you're a son, you're probably just busy.
You'd better bring her tupperware back. With the correct lids.
Empty sandwich meat containers are washed and turned into disposable tupperware.
Don't even THINK about walking on that silk Persian rug.
Seriously. Take off your shoes.
Your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't really count until there's a ring involved.
Until then, he/she is "just a friend/classmate."
She will always think your house is dirty.
You don't actually know how to cook unless you're cooking Persian dishes.
Your hair is always parted on the wrong side.
Don't laugh too loud. It's not ladylike.
Don't talk too loud, either.
Just don't talk.
Are you going to wear that dress? It's too short.
That one's too long.
Just let her dress you.
She has the blueprint of every mall within a 25 mile radius.
She has a map of Lord & Taylor in her purse at all times.
Between coupons, finding the Persian lady who works there, and talking to the manager, she can get you a $3000 gown for about $75.
She may nag at you in private, but in public you're the greatest human being to ever live. Just make sure you're dressed appropriately. And don't talk too loud.
You'd better bring her tupperware back. With the correct lids.
Empty sandwich meat containers are washed and turned into disposable tupperware.
Don't even THINK about walking on that silk Persian rug.
Seriously. Take off your shoes.
Your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't really count until there's a ring involved.
Until then, he/she is "just a friend/classmate."
She will always think your house is dirty.
You don't actually know how to cook unless you're cooking Persian dishes.
Your hair is always parted on the wrong side.
Don't laugh too loud. It's not ladylike.
Don't talk too loud, either.
Just don't talk.
Are you going to wear that dress? It's too short.
That one's too long.
Just let her dress you.
She has the blueprint of every mall within a 25 mile radius.
She has a map of Lord & Taylor in her purse at all times.
Between coupons, finding the Persian lady who works there, and talking to the manager, she can get you a $3000 gown for about $75.
She may nag at you in private, but in public you're the greatest human being to ever live. Just make sure you're dressed appropriately. And don't talk too loud.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
10 Tips For a Non-Persian Man Meeting a Persian Girl's Parents
These tips are designed to help get you through the first part of the night. If you make it to the second part of the night intact, stay tuned for Part 2...
1. When meeting her parents for the first time, do not wear anything less than dress pants and a dress shirt. Show up in a t-shirt and jeans and you'll be referred to as 'nafahm,' which basically means he who does not understand, or 'bi pedar o madar,' which means he who has no mother or father. Trust me, it makes sense.
Pro Tip: Blazers preferred, ties get you bonus points.
2. Learn some basics, like how to say 'hello' (Salam), 'how are you?' (Khoobi?), and that we are not Arab.
Pro Tip: No, really, we are not Arab.
3. Bring her mother flowers. Make sure they're not wilting, dry, or an ugly color. Your flower choices will be scrutinized.
Pro Tip: Persian moms love flowers that will continue to blossom. Orchids are a great choice.
4. Bring her father really good scotch. Be prepared to go toe to toe with him.
Pro Tip: Eat something beforehand.
5. Do not, under ANY circumstances, greet the Persian girl with anything more than a smile and a 'hello.' Handshakes may be permissible, but do not hold on to her hand for longer than two seconds. Physical contact is, at this point, forbidden. Go in for a hug and her father will shoot daggers through your skull so sharp that you may drop dead on the spot.
Pro Tip: Just don't look at her.
6. If she has a sister, brother, or both, bring them something. You need them on your side as the evening goes on and the conversations potentially get awkward. Siblings can either be a great buffer/comic relief, or your worst nightmare. Be wise.
Pro Tip: Compliment her sister and bring her baked goods. If she has a brother, just pour him a glass of the scotch.
7. Don't swear or tell dirty jokes, unless you want them to think you're a 'laat,' which is basically the equivalent of a hoodlum/vagrant/uneducated fool.
Pro Tip: Learn an easy joke in English.
8. Make sure you're aware of what happened in Iran in 1953, and 1979.
Pro Tip: Google.
9. Tell her mother that the flowers in her garden are the most beautiful you've ever seen. Did she do that on her own? Wow! Impressive! And that crystal bowl, is that Mikasa, or Waterford? Either way, excellent choice.
Pro Tip: "And your home is so clean and well decorated! Are these silk rugs from Iran? Stunning."
10. When her mother offers you more food, say 'Thank you! I'd love more! Your cooking is so perfectly delicious that I just can't say 'no.'
Pro Tip: Don't say 'no.'
1. When meeting her parents for the first time, do not wear anything less than dress pants and a dress shirt. Show up in a t-shirt and jeans and you'll be referred to as 'nafahm,' which basically means he who does not understand, or 'bi pedar o madar,' which means he who has no mother or father. Trust me, it makes sense.
Pro Tip: Blazers preferred, ties get you bonus points.
2. Learn some basics, like how to say 'hello' (Salam), 'how are you?' (Khoobi?), and that we are not Arab.
Pro Tip: No, really, we are not Arab.
3. Bring her mother flowers. Make sure they're not wilting, dry, or an ugly color. Your flower choices will be scrutinized.
Pro Tip: Persian moms love flowers that will continue to blossom. Orchids are a great choice.
4. Bring her father really good scotch. Be prepared to go toe to toe with him.
Pro Tip: Eat something beforehand.
5. Do not, under ANY circumstances, greet the Persian girl with anything more than a smile and a 'hello.' Handshakes may be permissible, but do not hold on to her hand for longer than two seconds. Physical contact is, at this point, forbidden. Go in for a hug and her father will shoot daggers through your skull so sharp that you may drop dead on the spot.
Pro Tip: Just don't look at her.
6. If she has a sister, brother, or both, bring them something. You need them on your side as the evening goes on and the conversations potentially get awkward. Siblings can either be a great buffer/comic relief, or your worst nightmare. Be wise.
Pro Tip: Compliment her sister and bring her baked goods. If she has a brother, just pour him a glass of the scotch.
7. Don't swear or tell dirty jokes, unless you want them to think you're a 'laat,' which is basically the equivalent of a hoodlum/vagrant/uneducated fool.
Pro Tip: Learn an easy joke in English.
8. Make sure you're aware of what happened in Iran in 1953, and 1979.
Pro Tip: Google.
9. Tell her mother that the flowers in her garden are the most beautiful you've ever seen. Did she do that on her own? Wow! Impressive! And that crystal bowl, is that Mikasa, or Waterford? Either way, excellent choice.
Pro Tip: "And your home is so clean and well decorated! Are these silk rugs from Iran? Stunning."
10. When her mother offers you more food, say 'Thank you! I'd love more! Your cooking is so perfectly delicious that I just can't say 'no.'
Pro Tip: Don't say 'no.'
Friday, October 25, 2013
10 More Signs You're Getting Older
1. Your knees pop and lock more than America's Best Dance Crew.
2. Your little black book has been replaced by your cookbook.
3. You rocked jelly shoes.
4. You shopped at Contempo Casuals.
5. You shopped at Structure.
6. You use the phrase "Can't we all just get along?"
7. You remember the Redskins winning the Superbowl.
8. You remember having to keep your cell phone calls to under 60 seconds.
"Hurry, hurry I'm at 57!"
9. You've paid $.87 a gallon
10. Hypercolor was awesome.
2. Your little black book has been replaced by your cookbook.
3. You rocked jelly shoes.
4. You shopped at Contempo Casuals.
5. You shopped at Structure.
6. You use the phrase "Can't we all just get along?"
7. You remember the Redskins winning the Superbowl.
8. You remember having to keep your cell phone calls to under 60 seconds.
"Hurry, hurry I'm at 57!"
9. You've paid $.87 a gallon
10. Hypercolor was awesome.
Friday, June 7, 2013
11 Quirks of the Persian Mom
1) She washes dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. To get washed.2) She cleans up the house before the cleaning people come. To clean the house.
3) Her first suggestion for any ailment is tea with honey/rosewater/rock candy.
4) She plants all her own flowers, makes your dad help, and insists "khodesh doost dare!" (he, himself, enjoys it!)
5) She never has to raise her voice to scare you. Sitting very still and widening her eyes just a millimeter sends ripples of fear throughout your body.
6) She'll call you and leave you a voicemail, and if you don't call her back within five minutes, she'll call again. Then she'll text. Then she'll send out an Amber Alert.
7) When you're cooking, she'll come stand next to you and make sure you're "doing it right."
"Why aren't you using saffron? Did you wash the chicken? Wash the chicken again."
8) She'll verbally lash anyone who says anything negative about you in public, but will recite a list of everything you're doing wrong when you're back in private.
9) Sundays are call-every-relative-overseas day.
10) She'll call all of your dates/boyfriends/girlfriends/love interests "friends", and won't consider your relationship "serious" until there is a diamond ring involved.
11) When driving with her, she will always do these three things:
1) Alert you as soon as you're driving one mile over the speed limit.
2) Yell your name, followed by a "movazeb bash!" (be careful!) whenever you change lanes, exit, or breathe.
3) Firmly smack the dashboard three times when she wants you to STOP!
Thursday, June 6, 2013
12 Signs You're Getting Older
You think the music is too loud. Everywhere.
You refer to teenagers as kids, and you think middle schoolers look like toddlers with bigger clothes.
The thought of going out two nights in a row is extremely stressful.
Staying in on a Saturday night to watch three movies in a row seems totally normal. And more fun than being in a loud bar.
You'd rather stab yourself in the eyes repeatedly while listening to songs by Creed than go to a packed club full of hot, sweaty people.
You know who Creed is.
You start using the "I gotta get up early tomorrow" excuse for leaving parties.
Your pins on Pinterest are less fashion and fun, and more Crate & Barrel and Pier 1.
When your parents scold a sibling, you start agreeing with them.
You start worrying about things like prostates, ovaries, and colons.
You start planting flowers.
You start planting anything.
You refer to teenagers as kids, and you think middle schoolers look like toddlers with bigger clothes.
The thought of going out two nights in a row is extremely stressful.
Staying in on a Saturday night to watch three movies in a row seems totally normal. And more fun than being in a loud bar.
You'd rather stab yourself in the eyes repeatedly while listening to songs by Creed than go to a packed club full of hot, sweaty people.
You know who Creed is.
You start using the "I gotta get up early tomorrow" excuse for leaving parties.
Your pins on Pinterest are less fashion and fun, and more Crate & Barrel and Pier 1.
When your parents scold a sibling, you start agreeing with them.
You start worrying about things like prostates, ovaries, and colons.
You start planting flowers.
You start planting anything.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Top 7 Reasons Why Norooz Is The Best Holiday Ever!
1. Norooz Marks the Beginning of Spring!It's a beautiful season, rife with all sorts of symbolism marking the opportunity for a real new start. Flowers are starting to bloom, there's more sunshine in the day, everything feels light and airy and free! The possibilities for what you can accomplish in the new year seem endless, way more endless than the first day of that other new year that's smack dab in the middle of a dark, dreary, and cold season.
2. This Is the Only Time (most) Persian Kids Are Allowed Pets In The House...
...in the form of Goldfish. The Goldfish are a part of the traditional HaftSeen spread, symbolizing life. Try explaining to a child why their only chance at a pet will inevitably die, usually before the holiday is even over. Persian kids have been forced to cope with death as early as they can remember Norooz, watching the goldfish die, one by one.
"Maman, why is that one floating upside down?"
"Eez dead, azizam. Pets die, dees eez vhy I don't let you to have one. You cannot alvays take care of eet."
Scarred.For.Life.
3. You Won't Be Inundated With "resolutions" to Lose Weight...Because Everyone is Force Feeding You Food!
The food, oh the food. 13 days of non-stop home cooked Persian food. 13 days of rice based dishes, which sounds like a Hollywood star's worst nightmare, but a Persian's dream. And who could forget the shirini (sweets & pastries)?! Persian bakeries are working overtime to accommodate the influx of orders for baked goods. Diabetics up their insulin shots and deal with the consequences after the holiday is over. It's just that good. You may tell yourself you'll only have "one or two with my chaeey (tea)" but we all know that once that tray is passed around, you'll have so much honey and sugar on your lips, you'll look like you just made out with a jar of vaseline.4. Eidi $$ (Norooz gifts of Money)
Whenever you visit someone's house during the celebration of Norooz, you go to their HaftSeen (the table of 7 S's representing different wishes for the New Year) and you open the book of Poetry they have on the table. There are bills of all denominations in between the pages, just waiting for guests to pluck them from obscurity. The page that you've opened up to is read aloud, and that poem is a representation of what your year will hold for you, a telling of your future. So you get a reading, and YOU get paid for it. Sweet!
5. Eid Didani, Literally Translated: Seeing for the New Year. In Short, Going from House to House, Spending Time With Your Family and Friends.
How much fun is that?! 13 days of seeing everyone you love, with people giving you food, sweets, and money just for showing up. With Christmas, you're stuck wherever you are for that one day, and there's usually no escape, also due to weather conditions. With Norooz, if you get bored (or want more money) you can totally use the excuse that you still have to make more rounds of visiting family and friends, and just leave whenever you want!
6. Dancing, Drinking, Dancing!
The amount of parties can be overwhelming to a non-Persian. The best way to prepare for these 13 days is to nap frequently, and stay hydrated, so that you can party all night. You will always be expected to dance. All night. No excuses.
"Vat you are meaning you are tie-yerd? You must do danceeng veet us!"
You will be exhausted at the end of the night. You will be hungover the next morning. You will have blisters for days. But the memories, the laughter, and the fun will make it all worth while. I promise.
7. Sizde Bedar - Loose Translation: The 13th Outside
13 is considered a number of bad luck, so on the 13th (and last) day of the Norooz celebration, Persians leave their homes en masse to celebrate. They go to big parks to barbecue, dance, eat, play sports, talk about what everyone is wearing, pretend like they're dressed down for the park but really they took a lot of time picking out those jeans and cute hoodies to match (it takes more effort to look casually dressed down than you may think). It's fun to play games all day and watch the people who wore dress shoes, skirts, and slacks, try to navigate their way around the grass and mud without getting dirty.
(Rumor also has it that this mass gathering of Persians was the catalyst to create Homeland Security. Just a rumor, I'm sure)
Lastly, young women are supposed to tie little knots in pieces of the sabzi that were grown on their haftseen spread, and throw them in a body of water, wishing for a husband, because, as we all know, the most important thing that can happen to a woman is to get married. Unless they're over 30 and unmarried, in which case they're expected to throw themselves into the water. (Just kidding. I think)
Sale Hamegi Mobarak, va omidvaram ke saletoon por az khoobi, khoshi, va movafagheeat bashe!
Translation: Happy New Year to everyone, and I hope that your year is filled with wellness, happiness, and prosperity/success!
Monday, March 11, 2013
3 Double Standards for Persians & Getting Married
You know they exist. Big Time. It doesn't matter how advanced, progressed, and liberal we've become as a society, Persians will always have the double standard market on lock when it comes to relationships and marriage, as it pertains to males vs. females. And they have no qualms about it. They may sometimes pass it off as a joke, but we all know that behind every joke lies some truth, and behind every double standard, there lies a Persian.
These are, in my opinion, the three biggest double standards...
The Marrying Age for Men vs. Women
Persians have a term for an unmarried woman over 29, and that's torshide. Literally translated, it means we've expired, grown sour, basically of no use to mankind. There is a side dish served with food called torshi (pickled vegetables) and that's the root word for this term. Coincidence that it's a side dish? You be the judge.
An unmarried Persian woman over 29 is damaged goods. I mean, she must be, right? If nobody put a diamond on her left hand, there must be something wrong with her. It can't be her choice. It can't be that she's independent, accomplishing her goals, and perhaps waiting for her perfect match. It can't be that she chose to stay unmarried until she felt it was right. It must be because she's not marriage material, and no man picked her. Poor, poor girl. How sad.
An unmarried Persian man over 29? Jackpot!! What a catch!! So mature!! So handsome!! So successful!! He just hasn't found a good girl. Poor guy. Let's all collectively pool our resources together and talk to our sisters, neighbors, and strangers on the streets to see who has a nice daughter between the ages of 18-25 that we could set him up with. He's just SO busy working hard and making money that he can't be bothered with dating. I feel so bad for him! I will make it my life's mission to set him up with a nice girl he can marry!
If We Date a Non-Persian (rare exceptions to this rule exist)
If a Persian man or woman dates a non-Persian, nobody takes the relationship seriously. Oh, they're just having fun, they're just school friends, they're just waiting for a Persian. A Persian mom will actively try and set her son up with a Persian girl, while the son is still with the non-Persian. You know you've seen it happen, don't lie. You may have even been an accessory to the set up!
And then, if the Persian and the non-Persian get married, people will refer to it as heyf, or a waste. As if the Persian is the chosen one, and being in a committed relationship with anyone outside of this golden circle is somehow an injustice to the world that is so cruel, and so terrible, that the whole union is a waste. This really applies to the men more than the women. If a Persian woman gets married to a white guy, the family will just be happy that she's married, and managed to avoid turning into a jar of pickled vegetables. But ask a Persian mom how she feels about her son marrying a non Persian, and you will get the truth about how she feels...as long as nobody non-Persian is around!
What They Tell the Women about Getting Married vs. What They Tell the Men
Women are told to hurry up! Find a husband! Get married and have kids!! As if we can go to Costco and peruse the Persian Man Samples until we find one that we really like and want to buy and take home, instead of sample for a second and throw away in the big grey trash bin.
I had a family friend (whom I love very much) who was talking to me at a gathering recently. She stepped in really close to my face and squinted her eyes. I thought she was about to tell me I had food in my teeth, but no, that wasn't it. "NazNaz, you need to get married soon. You've got about a year or two left to look like a pretty bride. After that, it won't be so good." And that was at a Christmas party.
Men? Take your time! Enjoy being single! Have fun with white girls!
And that pretty much sums it up.
These are, in my opinion, the three biggest double standards...
The Marrying Age for Men vs. Women
Persians have a term for an unmarried woman over 29, and that's torshide. Literally translated, it means we've expired, grown sour, basically of no use to mankind. There is a side dish served with food called torshi (pickled vegetables) and that's the root word for this term. Coincidence that it's a side dish? You be the judge.
An unmarried Persian woman over 29 is damaged goods. I mean, she must be, right? If nobody put a diamond on her left hand, there must be something wrong with her. It can't be her choice. It can't be that she's independent, accomplishing her goals, and perhaps waiting for her perfect match. It can't be that she chose to stay unmarried until she felt it was right. It must be because she's not marriage material, and no man picked her. Poor, poor girl. How sad.
An unmarried Persian man over 29? Jackpot!! What a catch!! So mature!! So handsome!! So successful!! He just hasn't found a good girl. Poor guy. Let's all collectively pool our resources together and talk to our sisters, neighbors, and strangers on the streets to see who has a nice daughter between the ages of 18-25 that we could set him up with. He's just SO busy working hard and making money that he can't be bothered with dating. I feel so bad for him! I will make it my life's mission to set him up with a nice girl he can marry!
If We Date a Non-Persian (rare exceptions to this rule exist)
If a Persian man or woman dates a non-Persian, nobody takes the relationship seriously. Oh, they're just having fun, they're just school friends, they're just waiting for a Persian. A Persian mom will actively try and set her son up with a Persian girl, while the son is still with the non-Persian. You know you've seen it happen, don't lie. You may have even been an accessory to the set up!
And then, if the Persian and the non-Persian get married, people will refer to it as heyf, or a waste. As if the Persian is the chosen one, and being in a committed relationship with anyone outside of this golden circle is somehow an injustice to the world that is so cruel, and so terrible, that the whole union is a waste. This really applies to the men more than the women. If a Persian woman gets married to a white guy, the family will just be happy that she's married, and managed to avoid turning into a jar of pickled vegetables. But ask a Persian mom how she feels about her son marrying a non Persian, and you will get the truth about how she feels...as long as nobody non-Persian is around!
What They Tell the Women about Getting Married vs. What They Tell the Men
Women are told to hurry up! Find a husband! Get married and have kids!! As if we can go to Costco and peruse the Persian Man Samples until we find one that we really like and want to buy and take home, instead of sample for a second and throw away in the big grey trash bin.
I had a family friend (whom I love very much) who was talking to me at a gathering recently. She stepped in really close to my face and squinted her eyes. I thought she was about to tell me I had food in my teeth, but no, that wasn't it. "NazNaz, you need to get married soon. You've got about a year or two left to look like a pretty bride. After that, it won't be so good." And that was at a Christmas party.
Men? Take your time! Enjoy being single! Have fun with white girls!
And that pretty much sums it up.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
6 Funny Come On Lines from NYC
These actually made me laugh, as opposed to rolling my eyes...
Me: Walking up to my building.
Him: "You look like that broad on TV! Ay, Tony! (yelling to Tony) Who's that broad on TV we were talking about? The one with the big, bushy eyebrows? (to me) No trust me, she's beautiful."
Me: Passing construction site (cliche, I know)
Him, angrily: "AY! You got some nerve walking through here like that."
Me: (confused, thinking I walked into wet concrete)
Him: "Breaking our hearts over here."
Him: Stopping inches from my face. "The best part of waking up."
*It took control on my part not to sing back, "Is Folgers in your cup!"
Him: In Giants gear.
Me: In Redskins gear.
Him: "I'll convert for you. RGIII! RGIII! I believe!"
8 Year Old Kid: You are looking fine today.
Me: How old are you?
8 Year Old Kid: Old enough.
Me: Walking in rain, juggling umbrella, coffee, and phone.
Him: "I'll be your personal assistant."
Me: Walking up to my building.
Him: "You look like that broad on TV! Ay, Tony! (yelling to Tony) Who's that broad on TV we were talking about? The one with the big, bushy eyebrows? (to me) No trust me, she's beautiful."
Me: Passing construction site (cliche, I know)
Him, angrily: "AY! You got some nerve walking through here like that."
Me: (confused, thinking I walked into wet concrete)
Him: "Breaking our hearts over here."
Him: Stopping inches from my face. "The best part of waking up."
*It took control on my part not to sing back, "Is Folgers in your cup!"
Him: In Giants gear.
Me: In Redskins gear.
Him: "I'll convert for you. RGIII! RGIII! I believe!"
8 Year Old Kid: You are looking fine today.
Me: How old are you?
8 Year Old Kid: Old enough.
Me: Walking in rain, juggling umbrella, coffee, and phone.
Him: "I'll be your personal assistant."
Sunday, February 3, 2013
15 Ways The SuperBowl Would Be Different If 2 Iranian Brothers Were Coaching The 2 Teams
1. Their family and friends would hassle the brothers for weeks trying to get tickets to the game, only to end up scalping them for triple the value.
2. Iranian fans would petition the NFL to have Googoosh sing the National Anthem.
3. Iranians would manage to sneak in mortadella sandwiches, pistachios, and doogh (carbonated yogurt drink).
4. Their mother would burn esfand (incense) before the brothers took the field to keep the evil eyes away.
5. The coin toss would take forEVER, as each side would tarof back and forth.
"Please, I insist that you all receive."
"No, YOU choose whatever you want."
"Nokaretam (I am your servant)."
6. Their mother would be running back and forth between the two teams sidelines, feeding the brothers kabob, rice, ash (hearty soup), and tea.
7. Their supporters wouldn't be wearing their teams football jerseys, they'd be wearing Iran soccer jerseys.
8. The Brothers would make sure nobody touched their hair. Especially the hair on their heads.
9. The Brothers would be texting one another close up shots of the cheerleaders.
10. Iranians would petition the NFL to include an Andy and Kouros reunion as the halftime show.
11. When a call is made against either of the teams, their mother would run down and yell at the refs.
"Don't you geev my son dat von! Son of de betch! Dert on your heads!"
12. Power outage? No problem. Iranians would rush the field, form a circle, and take turns dancing in it.
13. The winning team would pour hot tea on the coach. Ironically, the losing team would do the same.
14. Their mom would run down to the field at the end of the game and assure both of her sons that they have doodool talas (golden penises).
15. The brother whose team lost would get phone calls from family and friends on Monday morning telling him what he should have done. Ironically, so would the brother who won.
Friday, February 1, 2013
6 Healthy Foods You Should Be Eating
* Disclaimer*
I am not, nor am I claiming to be, a medical, or health professional. I am, however, someone who has been physically active my entire life, and have always taken great interest in healthy eating habits and lifestyle choices. I was also a personal trainer at Equinox Fitness Club in New York City. The views expressed in this blog post are my own, and are not affiliated with any other entity. As with any diet or exercise changes, consulting your doctor or health professional beforehand is always recommended :)
1. Berries
Berries, such as raspberries, strawberries, and blueberries, have some of the highest antioxidants of any fresh fruits. They fight the free radicals that float around in your body. Free radicals can damage healthy cells, and are a major source of disease and aging. Berries are also low in calories and sugars per serving, especially compared to the higher sugar fruits, such as apples, mangoes, and pineapples, just to name a few. Basically, you get more bang for your buck with berries.
2. Kale
This dark, leafy green food has an abundance of health benefits. It's rich in antioxidant powers, and high in vitamins, specifically Vitamins A (good for your eyes), K (promotes bone health), C (great for your immune system), and B (metabolism booster). Kale also contains phytochemicals, which have been shown in studies to protect against certain cancers, specifically cancers of the prostate and colon.
3. Almonds and Walnuts
These nuts, like some other nuts, contain unsaturated fatty acids, which are good for your heart. They can lower your LDL, aka "bad" cholesterol. Because high LDL is a primary cause of heart disease, keeping your LDL low is a good thing. The Omega-3 fatty acids found in nuts are, according to the Mayo Clinic "...one of the best plant-based sources of Omega-3 fatty acids." These nuts are also a good source of fiber, and Vitamin E, which helps stop the development of plaque in the arteries. Plaque buildup can lead to a variety of heart related diseases, and that's never any good.
Try eating the raw forms of these nuts, and not so much the salted and flavored versions, which just up the calorie, sodium, and potential sugar content.
4. Avocado
Avocados are high in fiber, potassium, Vitamins C, K, B6, and folate. Powerful punch! Like olive oil, avocados are high in oleic acid, which studies have shown can prevent breast cancer. They are also high in lutein, which protects against macular degeneration and cataracts, so you can see clearly!
Numerous studies have also shown that when eaten with other nutritious foods, the healthy monounsaturated fats in avocados aid the body in the maximum absorption of said nutrients. So, basically, if you want the most benefits from what you're eating, add some avocado to it!
5. Seaweed
Seaweed has virtually zero fat. It's extremely low in calories, and its fiber content also aids in a feeling of satiation. Research from the LiveStrong foundation has said the following of seaweed: "When eaten as part of a meal, seaweed can help balance blood sugar because its soluble fiber content helps slow the rate at which food is digested and absorbed into the bloodstream." Its soluble fiber content also helps keep things moving along nicely, so to say :) Seaweed is also a good source of iodine, which your thyroids rely on to function properly. It's B-12 content is also said to help immune function.
If you don't like the consistency of fresh seaweed, try Trader Joe's dry roasted seaweed snack. It's one my favorite snacks, and it's only 30 calories per serving!
6. Beets
Beets are one of my absolute favorite things to put in a salad! Pair it with goat cheese and avocado, and your mouth will experience a tasteplosion! Beets are good sources of iron, and vitamins, all helping to boost your immune system. They have no fat, are very low in calories, and have been said to be a great natural energy source for your body. They're a carbohydrate, which is essential for body fuel, but they're not processed carbohydrates so they're not "bad" energy sources. They're high in fiber, vitamins A & C, calcium, and folic acid, which is essential to the production and maintenance of new cells. And, they're available all year round!
Also, according to the American Journal of Hypertension: "...beets are very high in nitrates, which when processed in the body increase our levels of nitric oxide. And nitric oxide, in turn, helps to relax blood vessels, and improve oxygen efficiency. Hence the lowered blood pressure and increased endurance of beet juice drinkers. Beets are the newest vegetable to study for cardiovascular effects..."
Basically, beets are being touted as improving the physical endurance and performance of athletes, and those of us who aren't professional athletes, but do exercise regularly. Eat up!
1. Berries
Berries, such as raspberries, strawberries, and blueberries, have some of the highest antioxidants of any fresh fruits. They fight the free radicals that float around in your body. Free radicals can damage healthy cells, and are a major source of disease and aging. Berries are also low in calories and sugars per serving, especially compared to the higher sugar fruits, such as apples, mangoes, and pineapples, just to name a few. Basically, you get more bang for your buck with berries.
2. Kale
This dark, leafy green food has an abundance of health benefits. It's rich in antioxidant powers, and high in vitamins, specifically Vitamins A (good for your eyes), K (promotes bone health), C (great for your immune system), and B (metabolism booster). Kale also contains phytochemicals, which have been shown in studies to protect against certain cancers, specifically cancers of the prostate and colon.
3. Almonds and Walnuts
These nuts, like some other nuts, contain unsaturated fatty acids, which are good for your heart. They can lower your LDL, aka "bad" cholesterol. Because high LDL is a primary cause of heart disease, keeping your LDL low is a good thing. The Omega-3 fatty acids found in nuts are, according to the Mayo Clinic "...one of the best plant-based sources of Omega-3 fatty acids." These nuts are also a good source of fiber, and Vitamin E, which helps stop the development of plaque in the arteries. Plaque buildup can lead to a variety of heart related diseases, and that's never any good.
Try eating the raw forms of these nuts, and not so much the salted and flavored versions, which just up the calorie, sodium, and potential sugar content.
4. Avocado
Avocados are high in fiber, potassium, Vitamins C, K, B6, and folate. Powerful punch! Like olive oil, avocados are high in oleic acid, which studies have shown can prevent breast cancer. They are also high in lutein, which protects against macular degeneration and cataracts, so you can see clearly!
Numerous studies have also shown that when eaten with other nutritious foods, the healthy monounsaturated fats in avocados aid the body in the maximum absorption of said nutrients. So, basically, if you want the most benefits from what you're eating, add some avocado to it!
5. Seaweed
Seaweed has virtually zero fat. It's extremely low in calories, and its fiber content also aids in a feeling of satiation. Research from the LiveStrong foundation has said the following of seaweed: "When eaten as part of a meal, seaweed can help balance blood sugar because its soluble fiber content helps slow the rate at which food is digested and absorbed into the bloodstream." Its soluble fiber content also helps keep things moving along nicely, so to say :) Seaweed is also a good source of iodine, which your thyroids rely on to function properly. It's B-12 content is also said to help immune function.
If you don't like the consistency of fresh seaweed, try Trader Joe's dry roasted seaweed snack. It's one my favorite snacks, and it's only 30 calories per serving!
6. Beets
Beets are one of my absolute favorite things to put in a salad! Pair it with goat cheese and avocado, and your mouth will experience a tasteplosion! Beets are good sources of iron, and vitamins, all helping to boost your immune system. They have no fat, are very low in calories, and have been said to be a great natural energy source for your body. They're a carbohydrate, which is essential for body fuel, but they're not processed carbohydrates so they're not "bad" energy sources. They're high in fiber, vitamins A & C, calcium, and folic acid, which is essential to the production and maintenance of new cells. And, they're available all year round!
Also, according to the American Journal of Hypertension: "...beets are very high in nitrates, which when processed in the body increase our levels of nitric oxide. And nitric oxide, in turn, helps to relax blood vessels, and improve oxygen efficiency. Hence the lowered blood pressure and increased endurance of beet juice drinkers. Beets are the newest vegetable to study for cardiovascular effects..."
Basically, beets are being touted as improving the physical endurance and performance of athletes, and those of us who aren't professional athletes, but do exercise regularly. Eat up!
Monday, January 28, 2013
10 Things To Stop Doing On Facebook
1. LIKING YOUR OWN STATUS
This is like having a discussion with someone, or talking to a group of people, and then standing up to give yourself a round of applause when you're done talking. We already know you're a fan of what you said because, well, you said it. Which leads me to...
2. LIKING YOUR OWN PICTURES (New parents excluded, because babies are adorable)
This is like saying "Jean Claude Van Damme I look sexy!" which is totally fine, it just kinda makes you look conceited. Let your friends do the liking.
3. POSTING PICTURES OF THE LIQUOR BOTTLES AT YOUR TABLE AT THE CLUB
It's actually good when people do this because it lets everyone know which of their friends are terrible at math. Posting pics of all the liquor bottles at the table isn't "cool," it's just saying "Hey, I could have gotten this bottle of vodka for $40 at the liquor store, but I decided that paying $200 for it was absolutely reasonable and fair."
4. STATUS UPDATES THAT ALSO INVOLVE ANGRY SONG LYRICS
We all see them daily, and we all think "why?" Things like "how could you be so heartless?" or "I got 99 problems and now that BITCH aint one!" or "It wasn't like you only talked to him and you know it, don't act like you don't know it!" aren't going to get that person you're angry at to answer you. That'll get that person to quickly defriend you and start blocking your calls. And maybe get a restraining order.
5. VAGUE/CRYPTIC STATUS UPDATES
These are kind of like the angry song lyrics, but they're actually worse, especially when people start commenting and asking questions, and the person never answers. If you're going to write things like "I can't believe this is happening" or "I finally got the news" or "Guess that's how it is, and nobody cares" at least ANSWER the people who have taken your bait and are asking questions. You clearly wanted the attention, so take it!
6. PICTURES OF AWESOME LOOKING FOOD AT RESTAURANTS...
...without telling us where you are!! Why would you tease my mouth like that? Tell us where you are so we can go eat it, too. Jerk.
7. PEOPLE WHO PIC STITCH/COLLAGE/INSTAGRAM...
...multiple pictures of themselves, in the same outfit, in the same room, in a different pose. You're not Andy Warhol. Stop it.
8. GIRLS WHO CAPTION THEIR PHOTOS WITH NEGATIVE/FISHING COMMENTS
Captioning photos with "need to diet!" or "ugh, my hair looks terrible today! " are very transparent ploys to get compliments. You're not fooling anyone. Also, putting up a picture of you in a hot dress, all glammed up, leaning against a wall/column/chair with a caption like "I really love this wallpaper/column/chair, is also really dumb and obvious. You're beautiful. You don't need Facebook land to tell you that. Stop it.
Additionally, putting up a picture of you captioned "no makeup/au natural," but filtered through Instagram to where your skin looks like a cartoon, is not au natural!
9. GUYS WHO POST PICTURES OF THEIR BODY PARTS
Sorry, body builder friends, but someone had to say it. We get it, you're working out a lot. Your muscles are bulging. You look like Mr. Universe. But if I wanted to see close up shots of a femur, or a calf, or biceps, I'd look at an anatomy textbook. Or Ryan Gosling in a bathing suit.
10. DOCTORS/DENTISTS/CHIROPRACTORS POSTING ABOUT PATIENTS
You have to understand that most of your friends are not in the medical field. So, "Just gave 20 cc's of Sodium Chloride to a 35 year old female with a hematoma to the right fibular ventricle on the left side of her spinal column (C-4) and couldn't believe how slowly the aortic valve was pumping blood!" sounds like "Look! I have a medical degree!" to the rest of us.
This is like having a discussion with someone, or talking to a group of people, and then standing up to give yourself a round of applause when you're done talking. We already know you're a fan of what you said because, well, you said it. Which leads me to...
2. LIKING YOUR OWN PICTURES (New parents excluded, because babies are adorable)
This is like saying "Jean Claude Van Damme I look sexy!" which is totally fine, it just kinda makes you look conceited. Let your friends do the liking.
3. POSTING PICTURES OF THE LIQUOR BOTTLES AT YOUR TABLE AT THE CLUB
It's actually good when people do this because it lets everyone know which of their friends are terrible at math. Posting pics of all the liquor bottles at the table isn't "cool," it's just saying "Hey, I could have gotten this bottle of vodka for $40 at the liquor store, but I decided that paying $200 for it was absolutely reasonable and fair."
4. STATUS UPDATES THAT ALSO INVOLVE ANGRY SONG LYRICS
We all see them daily, and we all think "why?" Things like "how could you be so heartless?" or "I got 99 problems and now that BITCH aint one!" or "It wasn't like you only talked to him and you know it, don't act like you don't know it!" aren't going to get that person you're angry at to answer you. That'll get that person to quickly defriend you and start blocking your calls. And maybe get a restraining order.
5. VAGUE/CRYPTIC STATUS UPDATES
These are kind of like the angry song lyrics, but they're actually worse, especially when people start commenting and asking questions, and the person never answers. If you're going to write things like "I can't believe this is happening" or "I finally got the news" or "Guess that's how it is, and nobody cares" at least ANSWER the people who have taken your bait and are asking questions. You clearly wanted the attention, so take it!
6. PICTURES OF AWESOME LOOKING FOOD AT RESTAURANTS...
...without telling us where you are!! Why would you tease my mouth like that? Tell us where you are so we can go eat it, too. Jerk.
7. PEOPLE WHO PIC STITCH/COLLAGE/INSTAGRAM...
...multiple pictures of themselves, in the same outfit, in the same room, in a different pose. You're not Andy Warhol. Stop it.
8. GIRLS WHO CAPTION THEIR PHOTOS WITH NEGATIVE/FISHING COMMENTS
Captioning photos with "need to diet!" or "ugh, my hair looks terrible today! " are very transparent ploys to get compliments. You're not fooling anyone. Also, putting up a picture of you in a hot dress, all glammed up, leaning against a wall/column/chair with a caption like "I really love this wallpaper/column/chair, is also really dumb and obvious. You're beautiful. You don't need Facebook land to tell you that. Stop it.
Additionally, putting up a picture of you captioned "no makeup/au natural," but filtered through Instagram to where your skin looks like a cartoon, is not au natural!
9. GUYS WHO POST PICTURES OF THEIR BODY PARTS
Sorry, body builder friends, but someone had to say it. We get it, you're working out a lot. Your muscles are bulging. You look like Mr. Universe. But if I wanted to see close up shots of a femur, or a calf, or biceps, I'd look at an anatomy textbook. Or Ryan Gosling in a bathing suit.
10. DOCTORS/DENTISTS/CHIROPRACTORS POSTING ABOUT PATIENTS
You have to understand that most of your friends are not in the medical field. So, "Just gave 20 cc's of Sodium Chloride to a 35 year old female with a hematoma to the right fibular ventricle on the left side of her spinal column (C-4) and couldn't believe how slowly the aortic valve was pumping blood!" sounds like "Look! I have a medical degree!" to the rest of us.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
8 Annoying Things People Do At The Gym
Shadow Boxing In The Middle Of The Gym: You've seen them. The guys wearing the 90's tank tops and brightly colored shorts (a la AC Slater), white tube socks (pulled all the way up), with white Saucony's on their feet. They're usually wearing a bandana (because fighting an invisible person can really work up a sweat) emblazoned with the old stars and stripes. They hop around on their tip toes, slashing and thrashing at the air, randomly yelling out "Gotcha!" Makes me feel like I'm in a Mortal Kombat game, and someone is about to yell "finish him" over the speakers. Go find an empty studio, or do this in your home. I dodge enough New Yorkers talking to invisible people on the subway, I don't want to have to do the same at the gym,
Women Who Stretch In Front Of A Row Of Machines: You know who I'm talking about. They look like they just stepped out of an American Apparel ad, and because they've been dancing around their room all day to the Flashdance soundtrack, they are just DYING to stretch those hamstrings out in front of your treadmill. Look, I get it. I wear tight things and short shorts to the gym because, frankly, it's comfortable and cute. But, I'm not bending over and touching my toes in front of a row of people working out. This becomes especially annoying when the girls in question are wearing see through "leggings." Thongs, tattoos, everything becomes visible. Which leads me to...
Inappropriate Clothing:
Women: Please read up on the difference between leggings and pantyhose, and please wear a bra/sports bra. Anything, really, throw on a bikini top if you must. Just something to hold your girls tight. (That's implied, you say? I've seen women just hanging loose at the gym. Not a good look, and I don't understand how that doesn't hurt?!)
Men: Please read up on acceptable lengths of shorts to be worn at the gym. You are not playing for a 1970's NBA team, so your shorts should not stop under your ass cheeks, nor should they have a slit on the side. The only people who should see what kind of heat you're packing are your doctor, and the woman you are sleeping with. Or, if you're married, not sleeping with.
Anyone Who Requests A Channel Change To Fox News. Which are usually the same...
...People Who Argue Over A Machine: You've heard them. Entitled jerks who legitimately start arguments because somebody got on "their" bike. As if there aren't 38 of the same damn bike, all lined up in neat rows for your riding pleasure. I watched a guy pull the most passive aggressive move on someone who got on "his" elliptical. He stood next to the other guy on the machine and hula hooped, all while the guy on the machine hurled insults at him, yelling for someone to kick the hula hooper out. You can't help but stare in wide eyed amazement as these gems unfold. It's like when you watch your senile aunt arguing that the toilet bowl brush is too big for her to brush her teeth with. Unintentionally tragic and hilarious, kind of like watching Mitt Romney trying to talk to a poor person.
People Who Grunt/Moan/Scream: We get it. You're having an intense workout. We all make noises when we're exerting ourselves but, if you're screaming like a banshee, or moaning like a porn star, you're either over exerting yourself, or have a serious lack of attention in your life. Either way, you sound like an idiot. Please stop.
Guys Who Leave Their 80+ Pound Dumbbells On The Floor: There's a code at the gym, and it is very similar to what we were taught when we were toddlers. When you play with something, put it back where you found it. Would you leave your friend's laptop on the living room floor? (If you answered 'yes', you're an asshole who deserves to be punched) No, you wouldn't, so use the same logic at the gym. I recently watched a guy walk away after leaving his 80 pound dumbbell on the floor. Because I'm notoriously clumsy, and was scared of tripping over it, I ended up picking it up so I could put it away. I'm a strong girl, but that's a lot of fucking weight to pick up properly and hoist back onto a weight rack. As I'm doing the duck walk with this weight in my hand, just a couple more feet away from the rack, the guy walks back over and (thinking he's about to help me) I smile, relieved. He says "excuse me" and STEPS OUT OF MY WAY! As if HE'S doing ME a favor by moving to the side so that the girl who's OBVIOUSLY struggling with HIS dumbbell can have a clearer path to a herniated disc. Fucking moron. And on the opposite end you have....
People Who Drop Their Weights Loudly: We get it. You're fucking strong, Superman. So strong that you had to throw your weights down like a petulant child. Unless you're a bodybuilder trying to bulk up before a show, why don't you try and take the weight down a notch.
We all need physical activity in our lives, so exercise, have fun, and be healthy and happy! Just stop being annoying while you're doing it :)
Women Who Stretch In Front Of A Row Of Machines: You know who I'm talking about. They look like they just stepped out of an American Apparel ad, and because they've been dancing around their room all day to the Flashdance soundtrack, they are just DYING to stretch those hamstrings out in front of your treadmill. Look, I get it. I wear tight things and short shorts to the gym because, frankly, it's comfortable and cute. But, I'm not bending over and touching my toes in front of a row of people working out. This becomes especially annoying when the girls in question are wearing see through "leggings." Thongs, tattoos, everything becomes visible. Which leads me to...
Inappropriate Clothing:
Women: Please read up on the difference between leggings and pantyhose, and please wear a bra/sports bra. Anything, really, throw on a bikini top if you must. Just something to hold your girls tight. (That's implied, you say? I've seen women just hanging loose at the gym. Not a good look, and I don't understand how that doesn't hurt?!)
Men: Please read up on acceptable lengths of shorts to be worn at the gym. You are not playing for a 1970's NBA team, so your shorts should not stop under your ass cheeks, nor should they have a slit on the side. The only people who should see what kind of heat you're packing are your doctor, and the woman you are sleeping with. Or, if you're married, not sleeping with.
Anyone Who Requests A Channel Change To Fox News. Which are usually the same...
...People Who Argue Over A Machine: You've heard them. Entitled jerks who legitimately start arguments because somebody got on "their" bike. As if there aren't 38 of the same damn bike, all lined up in neat rows for your riding pleasure. I watched a guy pull the most passive aggressive move on someone who got on "his" elliptical. He stood next to the other guy on the machine and hula hooped, all while the guy on the machine hurled insults at him, yelling for someone to kick the hula hooper out. You can't help but stare in wide eyed amazement as these gems unfold. It's like when you watch your senile aunt arguing that the toilet bowl brush is too big for her to brush her teeth with. Unintentionally tragic and hilarious, kind of like watching Mitt Romney trying to talk to a poor person.
People Who Grunt/Moan/Scream: We get it. You're having an intense workout. We all make noises when we're exerting ourselves but, if you're screaming like a banshee, or moaning like a porn star, you're either over exerting yourself, or have a serious lack of attention in your life. Either way, you sound like an idiot. Please stop.
Guys Who Leave Their 80+ Pound Dumbbells On The Floor: There's a code at the gym, and it is very similar to what we were taught when we were toddlers. When you play with something, put it back where you found it. Would you leave your friend's laptop on the living room floor? (If you answered 'yes', you're an asshole who deserves to be punched) No, you wouldn't, so use the same logic at the gym. I recently watched a guy walk away after leaving his 80 pound dumbbell on the floor. Because I'm notoriously clumsy, and was scared of tripping over it, I ended up picking it up so I could put it away. I'm a strong girl, but that's a lot of fucking weight to pick up properly and hoist back onto a weight rack. As I'm doing the duck walk with this weight in my hand, just a couple more feet away from the rack, the guy walks back over and (thinking he's about to help me) I smile, relieved. He says "excuse me" and STEPS OUT OF MY WAY! As if HE'S doing ME a favor by moving to the side so that the girl who's OBVIOUSLY struggling with HIS dumbbell can have a clearer path to a herniated disc. Fucking moron. And on the opposite end you have....
People Who Drop Their Weights Loudly: We get it. You're fucking strong, Superman. So strong that you had to throw your weights down like a petulant child. Unless you're a bodybuilder trying to bulk up before a show, why don't you try and take the weight down a notch.
We all need physical activity in our lives, so exercise, have fun, and be healthy and happy! Just stop being annoying while you're doing it :)
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
The Grapes of Wrath
Have you ever drank a bottle of wine? Those of you who have know what it can do. For me, it usually creates a sense of urgency. An urgency to get all of my thoughts, and fears, and dreams out in the open and into the universe. A release. Before you get worried and call me to ask if I'm ok, I'm good :) I was with my girlfriends, at a ladies night dinner, amongst friends. I wasn't sitting in my room with the lights off listening to Adele and Amy Winehouse (although I agree that that would make this more dramatic).
Seriously though, do you ever get tired of all of the noise in life? The complaining of things that aren't really important? Like the guy at the table next to you cursing the waitress because she wasn't quick enough? The lady in line at the gym who's yelling at the front desk staff because she couldn't reserve bike #3 in her spin class? Don't you ever just want to tap them on the shoulder and say, "Who the fuck cares?"
Our world is filled with hunger, and bigotry, and hatred, and violence, and inequality, and injustice, and racism, and disease, and you're worried about what bike you're going to sit on for a class? You're pissed about your Mercedes being in the shop? Or your Chanel bag that just got scratched? Who the fuck cares?
Family members go years without speaking over a heated exchange. Friends become strangers over miscommunications, and missing invitations to events. Relationships are lost, people are forgotten about, over what? What are we all really upset about? Is it fear of being left out? Fear of being forgotten? Fear of not reaching our full potential, of being unsuccessful? And what is successful, anyhow? Whose standards of measurement are we using? Your definition of success is different than mine. What works for you may not work for others. Who the fuck cares?
Life shouldn't be measured in dollars, and cars, and bags, and houses. It should be measured in relationships, and laughter amongst family and friends. It should be measured in those moments with your sister where you're just sitting alone in a room, making funny faces and laughing until you can't breathe. It should be measured in those quiet moments where we are sitting with a loved one, enjoying a sunset, or cooking a meal together. It should be measured in how much good we do unto our fellow man, how much we help on a daily basis, when nobody is looking or judging. When did life become a reality show, a talent competition, a race to the finish line?
Why can't we all just be real? (this sound like the opening to an MTV show) Present our real selves to one another. What's with the posturing, and the pontificating? I don't care about your Gucci sunglasses, or your beach house in Malibu, or how much money you have in your wallet. Can I call you when I'm upset? Can I count on you to really listen to me? Can we spend real time together, without tapping away on our phones, and checking our Facebook, and texting, and turning on the TV? Will you be there when there are smiles and laughter, and also when there are tears and despair?
If you can't, I don't want to know you. I don't want to spend time with you. We've lived enough years to figure out what really matters, and know we need to live a lot more to try and figure out the rest. Cut the bullshit and be yourself. Stand up for what you believe in, speak your mind, be loud, even when everyone is trying to quiet you down. At the end of the day, YOU have to live with yourself. YOU have to live with the choices you've made, the words you've said, and the things that you have done.
Make sure you're ok with you, and if you're not, make a change. Don't worry about what others are telling you is right, or wrong, or how you should live your life. If it's not coming from within your mind, your soul, and your heart, it's just noise. And, really, who the fuck cares?
Seriously though, do you ever get tired of all of the noise in life? The complaining of things that aren't really important? Like the guy at the table next to you cursing the waitress because she wasn't quick enough? The lady in line at the gym who's yelling at the front desk staff because she couldn't reserve bike #3 in her spin class? Don't you ever just want to tap them on the shoulder and say, "Who the fuck cares?"
Our world is filled with hunger, and bigotry, and hatred, and violence, and inequality, and injustice, and racism, and disease, and you're worried about what bike you're going to sit on for a class? You're pissed about your Mercedes being in the shop? Or your Chanel bag that just got scratched? Who the fuck cares?
Family members go years without speaking over a heated exchange. Friends become strangers over miscommunications, and missing invitations to events. Relationships are lost, people are forgotten about, over what? What are we all really upset about? Is it fear of being left out? Fear of being forgotten? Fear of not reaching our full potential, of being unsuccessful? And what is successful, anyhow? Whose standards of measurement are we using? Your definition of success is different than mine. What works for you may not work for others. Who the fuck cares?
Life shouldn't be measured in dollars, and cars, and bags, and houses. It should be measured in relationships, and laughter amongst family and friends. It should be measured in those moments with your sister where you're just sitting alone in a room, making funny faces and laughing until you can't breathe. It should be measured in those quiet moments where we are sitting with a loved one, enjoying a sunset, or cooking a meal together. It should be measured in how much good we do unto our fellow man, how much we help on a daily basis, when nobody is looking or judging. When did life become a reality show, a talent competition, a race to the finish line?
Why can't we all just be real? (this sound like the opening to an MTV show) Present our real selves to one another. What's with the posturing, and the pontificating? I don't care about your Gucci sunglasses, or your beach house in Malibu, or how much money you have in your wallet. Can I call you when I'm upset? Can I count on you to really listen to me? Can we spend real time together, without tapping away on our phones, and checking our Facebook, and texting, and turning on the TV? Will you be there when there are smiles and laughter, and also when there are tears and despair?
If you can't, I don't want to know you. I don't want to spend time with you. We've lived enough years to figure out what really matters, and know we need to live a lot more to try and figure out the rest. Cut the bullshit and be yourself. Stand up for what you believe in, speak your mind, be loud, even when everyone is trying to quiet you down. At the end of the day, YOU have to live with yourself. YOU have to live with the choices you've made, the words you've said, and the things that you have done.
Make sure you're ok with you, and if you're not, make a change. Don't worry about what others are telling you is right, or wrong, or how you should live your life. If it's not coming from within your mind, your soul, and your heart, it's just noise. And, really, who the fuck cares?
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
5 Ways to Quickly Offend an Iranian
5. Walk On Their Carpet With Your Shoes
I don't care if your "shoes are new" or "really clean." Unless you're planning on hovering, floating, or walking on your knuckles, take them off. The gracious, hospitable Iranian host may be smiling at you and saying "that's ok, dear, you can leave them on," but you can be sure they're quickly burning with rage on the inside and testing your cultural awareness.
4. Refuse Their Offers of Food
This really should be Iranian Etiquette Rule #1. If you're a guest in one of our homes, and we put food in front of you, eat it. Fruit, sweets, appetizers, main courses, eat all of it. And I don't mean dainty little bites, I mean heaping spoons, and plates. It doesn't matter if you've already eaten, just had gastric bypass, or are recovering from a bout of food poisoning. Just eat, because honestly, if you've had the last two, you'll throw it up either way. You don't want to risk offending your hosts, as you'll never hear the end of it. "He must not like the way I make zereshk polo" or "I know it's not as good as your moms cooking" or (the ever popular) "My apologies for not being able to cook a proper, tasty meal for you."
I met my boyfriends parents for the first time over dinner at their house. They had the most amazingly delicious spread of fruits, appetizers, wine, Persian food, Italian food, and dessert. Forget that we had just come from having eaten ourselves silly at a prior event, there was no way we were going to let this lovely hospitality go to waste on account of "being full." Not only did I, enthusiastically, eat two plates of food (that lasagna was ridiculous!) but I took one for the team and ate both mine and my boyfriends dessert. I know, I know, I'm so benevolent.
3. Don't Say Hello When You Walk Into An Event
Not only is it rude, it's socially moronic. This is especially important for non Iranians who are being introduced into the Iranian community. Say hello! Especially if it's a room full of older adults. Skip out on that, and you'll henceforth be referred to as bi-adab (without manners) or Amrikayee-e, balad nist (He/She is American, they don't know any better).
One of my earliest memories comes from being at mehmoonees (Persian gatherings), and having my mom constantly ask, "Nazanin, did you say Hi to Aunt Mitra? What about Uncle Ali? And his Grandmother that just came from Iran? And his Grandmothers cousin? What about the neighbor, you should run next door and say hi, just to be polite." The last one may be a slight exaggeration, but you get the point.
2. Don't Say GoodBye When You Leave An Event
Please refer to #3, and replace "hello" with "goodbye." This can become very tedious, as you can't just walk up to someone and say "buh bye now!" Everyone must receive a pleasantry and declaration of well wishes, some general questions about their ability to drive home safely, their thoughts on the weather forecast tomorrow, statements on how politicians are all the same, conspiracy theories, and before you know it, everyone is sitting down again as the hosts rush to make more tea and coffee, and bring out a fresh fruit platter and more dessert! Which, by the way, you'd better eat!
1. Don't Invite Them To Something. Bonus Points If You Don't Invite Them To A Wedding.
If you're friends with A, B, and C, and you invite A and B over for drinks one night, but not C, it's bad news bears. It's also apparently a law to invite your friends in the groups that you first met them. If a new person is introduced, person D, then that person can technically be left out at your whim because they were a new addition. But if person D decides to invite persons A, B, and C over and not YOU, best believe sh*t's about to get serious!
Situation is exacerbated if you add a wedding to the mix.This is, by far, the most sure fire way to offend an Iranian. Even if your families haven't spoken in years, if one of you killed the other ones cat, or your ancestors were sworn enemies in the old country, an Iranian will still expect an invite. It doesn't matter if it's the wedding of someones child, and you haven't seen their child since they were in 5th grade, you're still expecting an invite. Don't try to reason with the offended, they'll come back with, "But I've always asked how Ali joon is doing." "But you haven't spoken to his mom in 3 years." "So what? They've been in my thoughts!" I'm already anxious about my wedding guest list, and I'm not even engaged.
I hope this blog helps non Iranians avoid cultural minefields, one mine at a time!
I don't care if your "shoes are new" or "really clean." Unless you're planning on hovering, floating, or walking on your knuckles, take them off. The gracious, hospitable Iranian host may be smiling at you and saying "that's ok, dear, you can leave them on," but you can be sure they're quickly burning with rage on the inside and testing your cultural awareness.
4. Refuse Their Offers of Food
This really should be Iranian Etiquette Rule #1. If you're a guest in one of our homes, and we put food in front of you, eat it. Fruit, sweets, appetizers, main courses, eat all of it. And I don't mean dainty little bites, I mean heaping spoons, and plates. It doesn't matter if you've already eaten, just had gastric bypass, or are recovering from a bout of food poisoning. Just eat, because honestly, if you've had the last two, you'll throw it up either way. You don't want to risk offending your hosts, as you'll never hear the end of it. "He must not like the way I make zereshk polo" or "I know it's not as good as your moms cooking" or (the ever popular) "My apologies for not being able to cook a proper, tasty meal for you."
I met my boyfriends parents for the first time over dinner at their house. They had the most amazingly delicious spread of fruits, appetizers, wine, Persian food, Italian food, and dessert. Forget that we had just come from having eaten ourselves silly at a prior event, there was no way we were going to let this lovely hospitality go to waste on account of "being full." Not only did I, enthusiastically, eat two plates of food (that lasagna was ridiculous!) but I took one for the team and ate both mine and my boyfriends dessert. I know, I know, I'm so benevolent.
3. Don't Say Hello When You Walk Into An Event
Not only is it rude, it's socially moronic. This is especially important for non Iranians who are being introduced into the Iranian community. Say hello! Especially if it's a room full of older adults. Skip out on that, and you'll henceforth be referred to as bi-adab (without manners) or Amrikayee-e, balad nist (He/She is American, they don't know any better).
One of my earliest memories comes from being at mehmoonees (Persian gatherings), and having my mom constantly ask, "Nazanin, did you say Hi to Aunt Mitra? What about Uncle Ali? And his Grandmother that just came from Iran? And his Grandmothers cousin? What about the neighbor, you should run next door and say hi, just to be polite." The last one may be a slight exaggeration, but you get the point.
2. Don't Say GoodBye When You Leave An Event
Please refer to #3, and replace "hello" with "goodbye." This can become very tedious, as you can't just walk up to someone and say "buh bye now!" Everyone must receive a pleasantry and declaration of well wishes, some general questions about their ability to drive home safely, their thoughts on the weather forecast tomorrow, statements on how politicians are all the same, conspiracy theories, and before you know it, everyone is sitting down again as the hosts rush to make more tea and coffee, and bring out a fresh fruit platter and more dessert! Which, by the way, you'd better eat!
1. Don't Invite Them To Something. Bonus Points If You Don't Invite Them To A Wedding.
If you're friends with A, B, and C, and you invite A and B over for drinks one night, but not C, it's bad news bears. It's also apparently a law to invite your friends in the groups that you first met them. If a new person is introduced, person D, then that person can technically be left out at your whim because they were a new addition. But if person D decides to invite persons A, B, and C over and not YOU, best believe sh*t's about to get serious!
Situation is exacerbated if you add a wedding to the mix.This is, by far, the most sure fire way to offend an Iranian. Even if your families haven't spoken in years, if one of you killed the other ones cat, or your ancestors were sworn enemies in the old country, an Iranian will still expect an invite. It doesn't matter if it's the wedding of someones child, and you haven't seen their child since they were in 5th grade, you're still expecting an invite. Don't try to reason with the offended, they'll come back with, "But I've always asked how Ali joon is doing." "But you haven't spoken to his mom in 3 years." "So what? They've been in my thoughts!" I'm already anxious about my wedding guest list, and I'm not even engaged.
I hope this blog helps non Iranians avoid cultural minefields, one mine at a time!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
6 Captivating Quirks of the Elusive Iranian Dad
Growing up in America with immigrant parents presents its own set of unique challenges. Now if your father is Iranian, you're in for a hell of a ride, albeit a fun one...
*Baba = Dad
*Joonam = My Dear/Life
6. He will bargain for anything. Anywhere.
Take, for example, back to school shopping. Going with my Baba was always more fun than going with my mom because he said 'yes' to everything. Unless it was a short skirt, but we'll get to that later. However, there was always one thing I dreaded about it...paying. While being rung up, my dad would smile and say, "So, these are half off, right?" The salesperson would laugh and say, "No, sorry sir." I would proceed to elbow him in the ribs, "Baba, stop." But, he'd continue. "Oh come on, you can give it to us with a discount." As he was bargaining, I was sweating and nervously surveying the scene around me, praying that none of my classmates were in the store. He'd say, "don't worry, baba joonam, they can give a discount." I would always try to reason with him, "Baba, this isn't a bazaar in Tehran, we can't haggle the salesperson at Express" (remember how cool it was to shop there?). Please stop." I have this shopping experience with him every time, and every time I tell him the same thing, never to any avail.
5. Bikinis are not encouraged.
I remember wearing my first bikini as a young lady, and I remember my dad looking at me like he had just seen a ghost.
"Baba joonam, don't you want to wear some more clothes?"
"Um, no, we're going to the beach. What else would I wear?
"You can wear one of those skirt bathing suits, or some shorts."
"Dad, this isn't 1950."
After some cajoling, he'd eventually let it go, and we'd hit the beach. To this day, we still have the same bikini conversation.
4. Come to think of it, skin baring outfits are generally discouraged.
It doesn't matter that I'm a grown woman, my dad still tries to convince me to not wear short skirts, or shorts in general. Short skirts being anything above the knee :/ Which reminds me of my brief stint as a cheerleader in high school. My dad came to one of the basketball games to watch me cheer. None of my guy friends talked to me, or even acknowledged my existence, for fear of an untimely death. After the game, and after performing some stunts with my squad, I excitedly asked my dad what he thought of the performance. "You were great, but I don't understand why you have to jump up and down in front of a bunch of boys while wearing a napkin. Can't you wear pants under the skirt?" Needless to say, I didn't try out next season.
3. If you are male (family not included) you are at an automatic disadvantage.
If you're male, and you come within 4 feet of an Iranian daughter, you run the risk of mysteriously disappearing. I've had so many male friends (just friends!) that have done everything from bringing flowers when they come over, to bottles of whiskey for my dad, and it just doesn't make a difference. Stand too close, and the Iranian dad will walk over and stand in between you two, even if you're in the middle of a conversation. And don't even THINK about putting your arm around us, even if it's for a picture. My sister and I can attest to this. I remember my dad calling me after seeing a picture of me on Facebook with a really good male friend of mine who had casually draped his arm around my shoulder in a picture.
"Baba joonam, why do you have a picture like this? What is this boy trying to do?"
"Huh? We're just taking a picture."
"But you'll give off the wrong impression."
"Baba, he's gay."
"That doesn't matter."
(slapping my forehead)
And it's not just him you have to worry about, it's every other Iranian dad friend that he has. They'll all help, no questions asked. "Asghar, I need you here in an hour. Bring a shovel, and a bottle of Johnnie Walker. Blue Label."
2. Speaking of which, he only drinks two kinds of alcoholic beverages: Johnnie Walker, and Heineken.
Survey the scene at an Iranian party, and you'll either see the Iranian dad with a green bottle, or a crystal glass. My family and I were in the Virgin Islands a few Summer's ago, and we hit the duty free shops on our way out. My dad couldn't believe how cheap the bottles of Johnnie Walker were, so he bought two cases. Six bottles in each case. Oh, and rum, can't forget the rum. I'm surprised Customs didn't arrest us for intent to sell and distribute. Glad we could break stereotypes, one case of whiskey at a time.
1. He has a conspiracy theory on everything.
Everything has an underlying reason, and nothing is what it seems. Now I must admit, growing up with this kind of critical eye made me more aware of things going on in the world, and how we shouldn't always believe everything that we are fed, but sometimes it just gets ridiculous. The outcome of a football game, steak not being cooked properly at a restaurant, the pump at the gas station not working, it's all a conspiracy. Everyone is out to get you, or take advantage of you, or wants your money. He even thinks politics are rigged! Can you believe that?!
All things considered, Iranian dad's are the BEST, and will do anything for their families. I love my Baba, even if his jokes are corny, and he thinks I should always wear pants.
*Baba = Dad
*Joonam = My Dear/Life
6. He will bargain for anything. Anywhere.
Take, for example, back to school shopping. Going with my Baba was always more fun than going with my mom because he said 'yes' to everything. Unless it was a short skirt, but we'll get to that later. However, there was always one thing I dreaded about it...paying. While being rung up, my dad would smile and say, "So, these are half off, right?" The salesperson would laugh and say, "No, sorry sir." I would proceed to elbow him in the ribs, "Baba, stop." But, he'd continue. "Oh come on, you can give it to us with a discount." As he was bargaining, I was sweating and nervously surveying the scene around me, praying that none of my classmates were in the store. He'd say, "don't worry, baba joonam, they can give a discount." I would always try to reason with him, "Baba, this isn't a bazaar in Tehran, we can't haggle the salesperson at Express" (remember how cool it was to shop there?). Please stop." I have this shopping experience with him every time, and every time I tell him the same thing, never to any avail.
5. Bikinis are not encouraged.
I remember wearing my first bikini as a young lady, and I remember my dad looking at me like he had just seen a ghost.
"Baba joonam, don't you want to wear some more clothes?"
"Um, no, we're going to the beach. What else would I wear?
"You can wear one of those skirt bathing suits, or some shorts."
"Dad, this isn't 1950."
After some cajoling, he'd eventually let it go, and we'd hit the beach. To this day, we still have the same bikini conversation.
4. Come to think of it, skin baring outfits are generally discouraged.
It doesn't matter that I'm a grown woman, my dad still tries to convince me to not wear short skirts, or shorts in general. Short skirts being anything above the knee :/ Which reminds me of my brief stint as a cheerleader in high school. My dad came to one of the basketball games to watch me cheer. None of my guy friends talked to me, or even acknowledged my existence, for fear of an untimely death. After the game, and after performing some stunts with my squad, I excitedly asked my dad what he thought of the performance. "You were great, but I don't understand why you have to jump up and down in front of a bunch of boys while wearing a napkin. Can't you wear pants under the skirt?" Needless to say, I didn't try out next season.
3. If you are male (family not included) you are at an automatic disadvantage.
If you're male, and you come within 4 feet of an Iranian daughter, you run the risk of mysteriously disappearing. I've had so many male friends (just friends!) that have done everything from bringing flowers when they come over, to bottles of whiskey for my dad, and it just doesn't make a difference. Stand too close, and the Iranian dad will walk over and stand in between you two, even if you're in the middle of a conversation. And don't even THINK about putting your arm around us, even if it's for a picture. My sister and I can attest to this. I remember my dad calling me after seeing a picture of me on Facebook with a really good male friend of mine who had casually draped his arm around my shoulder in a picture.
"Baba joonam, why do you have a picture like this? What is this boy trying to do?"
"Huh? We're just taking a picture."
"But you'll give off the wrong impression."
"Baba, he's gay."
"That doesn't matter."
(slapping my forehead)
And it's not just him you have to worry about, it's every other Iranian dad friend that he has. They'll all help, no questions asked. "Asghar, I need you here in an hour. Bring a shovel, and a bottle of Johnnie Walker. Blue Label."
2. Speaking of which, he only drinks two kinds of alcoholic beverages: Johnnie Walker, and Heineken.
Survey the scene at an Iranian party, and you'll either see the Iranian dad with a green bottle, or a crystal glass. My family and I were in the Virgin Islands a few Summer's ago, and we hit the duty free shops on our way out. My dad couldn't believe how cheap the bottles of Johnnie Walker were, so he bought two cases. Six bottles in each case. Oh, and rum, can't forget the rum. I'm surprised Customs didn't arrest us for intent to sell and distribute. Glad we could break stereotypes, one case of whiskey at a time.
1. He has a conspiracy theory on everything.
Everything has an underlying reason, and nothing is what it seems. Now I must admit, growing up with this kind of critical eye made me more aware of things going on in the world, and how we shouldn't always believe everything that we are fed, but sometimes it just gets ridiculous. The outcome of a football game, steak not being cooked properly at a restaurant, the pump at the gas station not working, it's all a conspiracy. Everyone is out to get you, or take advantage of you, or wants your money. He even thinks politics are rigged! Can you believe that?!
All things considered, Iranian dad's are the BEST, and will do anything for their families. I love my Baba, even if his jokes are corny, and he thinks I should always wear pants.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
6 Captivating Quirks of the Elusive Iranian Mom
**DISCLAIMER** I love my Iranian mom, and I love yours, too.
6. She carries an assortment of fruit & candy, granola bars, as well as a lone cucumber in her purse.
She's your one stop shop for hunger pangs, low blood sugar, and random cucumber cravings (sometimes even providing a salt packet for the cucumber, most likely stored in her purse from her most recent dining experience at Panera or Corner Bakery). Speaking from personal experience, this quirk is extremely beneficial. Countless lives have been spared thanks to my mom quelling my hunger monster. (Have you ever dealt with a woman who needs to be fed? It's not pretty)
5. Listening to music at a high volume is unacceptable, unless it's Persian music.
When my mom is in the car with me, she'll claim the hip-hop and/or R&B I'm listening to is loud enough to burst eardrums, and is giving her a headache. This is accompanied with a hand to the head/hand covering her eyes, and a pained expression. The music gets turned down so low that even a dog wouldn't be able to hear it. Pop in an Andy, or Kamran & Hooman CD (famous Persian pop singers) and the headache is all of a sudden cured! Hand clapping, dancing in the seat, and singing along to the music follow.
4. Blames your piercings for any physical illness/ailment you may encounter.
I got my belly button pierced when I was 21. Nine years later, and my mom still blames any stomach pain of mine on the belly button ring. "You should remove it. You're killing yourself!" I got my nose pierced a few years ago, and if I came down with a cold, my mom blamed it on my nose ring. I explained to her that the diamond stud in my nose could not possibly be carrying a virus. She told me I didn't know anything.
3. Anything can quickly spiral into a trip down guilt lane.
Ever tried going out to dinner on an evening your mom has cooked?
"Ok, honey, I just stood here all day peeling, and cutting, and chopping, to make your favorite dish. My back is killing me, and I now have such a bad migraine that I can hardly see straight. But if you want to go out with your friends, that's fine, honey. I love you. Whatever you think is best."
Just give up at this point. Do not, I repeat do NOT, attempt to argue or reason with her. Take off your jacket, and shoes (especially if you live in a home with Persian rugs!) and sit down at the dinner table. From now on, you should just plan on meeting your friends for dessert.
2. Speaking of Persian Rugs...
These wondrously woven, intricately detailed pieces of floor art are the most valuable possession in her home. Do you know how difficult it is to get rugs sent over from Iran? I do, because every time we have visited Iran we've had to take 47 trips to the bazaar to pick out the perfect carpets, haggle the prices down, and figure out how to get them to America, unscathed. And she won't pick out the smaller ones, either. It'll be the ones as long as a regulation size football field. So don't even THINK about walking on these with your shoes.
Side story: I sliced my hand open when I was 12 while rock jumping in a lake near my house. I was more fearful about getting in trouble for acting like a Power Ranger than I was about my exposed bone. Upon my arrival at the house (tear stained face, blood gushing out of my hand, pressing my friend's coat into my open wound) my mom freaked out, naturally. As she ran to call my dad, she yelled out behind her, "Nazanin! Don't get any blood on the carpet!"
1. A Mehmoonee (party/gathering of friends) immediately turns her into a wartime commander.
(Pay attention to this one. It could save your life.)
Anytime she is set to host a mehmoonee, the Iranian mom goes in to battle mode. As her next of kin, you are expected to remain on standby beginning as early as one week before the battle is set to commence AKA the night of the Mehmoonee.
Please, for your safety and sanity, follow her instructions carefully. If she sends you to COSTCO with a list, do NOT deviate from the list. If, for example, the list calls for red seedless grapes, do NOT buy any other kind of grape. My father learned this lesson the hard way.
Do not plan on exercising during this week, as your muscles will be fatigued from various activities such as, but not limited to: The vacuuming of everything from carpets, and drapes, to ceilings, and staircases. The cleaning of the bathrooms, even that small one in the basement that NObody ever uses. Cleaning the china and crystal, all 478 sets of them (because apparently Iranian mom's just can't pass up a deal on Lenox or Mikasa. I swear, every time I visit, there's at least 2 new sets of dinnerware).
This is the most important one of all: On the day of battle, er, the mehmoonee, do NOT speak unless spoken to, do not question her when she asks you to do anything (even if it's to clean that small bathroom in the basement, again) and make sure she remains hydrated and fed. Follow these rules, and you shall be victorious!
Love you, Saghi :)
6. She carries an assortment of fruit & candy, granola bars, as well as a lone cucumber in her purse.
She's your one stop shop for hunger pangs, low blood sugar, and random cucumber cravings (sometimes even providing a salt packet for the cucumber, most likely stored in her purse from her most recent dining experience at Panera or Corner Bakery). Speaking from personal experience, this quirk is extremely beneficial. Countless lives have been spared thanks to my mom quelling my hunger monster. (Have you ever dealt with a woman who needs to be fed? It's not pretty)
5. Listening to music at a high volume is unacceptable, unless it's Persian music.
When my mom is in the car with me, she'll claim the hip-hop and/or R&B I'm listening to is loud enough to burst eardrums, and is giving her a headache. This is accompanied with a hand to the head/hand covering her eyes, and a pained expression. The music gets turned down so low that even a dog wouldn't be able to hear it. Pop in an Andy, or Kamran & Hooman CD (famous Persian pop singers) and the headache is all of a sudden cured! Hand clapping, dancing in the seat, and singing along to the music follow.
4. Blames your piercings for any physical illness/ailment you may encounter.
I got my belly button pierced when I was 21. Nine years later, and my mom still blames any stomach pain of mine on the belly button ring. "You should remove it. You're killing yourself!" I got my nose pierced a few years ago, and if I came down with a cold, my mom blamed it on my nose ring. I explained to her that the diamond stud in my nose could not possibly be carrying a virus. She told me I didn't know anything.
3. Anything can quickly spiral into a trip down guilt lane.
Ever tried going out to dinner on an evening your mom has cooked?
"Ok, honey, I just stood here all day peeling, and cutting, and chopping, to make your favorite dish. My back is killing me, and I now have such a bad migraine that I can hardly see straight. But if you want to go out with your friends, that's fine, honey. I love you. Whatever you think is best."
Just give up at this point. Do not, I repeat do NOT, attempt to argue or reason with her. Take off your jacket, and shoes (especially if you live in a home with Persian rugs!) and sit down at the dinner table. From now on, you should just plan on meeting your friends for dessert.
2. Speaking of Persian Rugs...
These wondrously woven, intricately detailed pieces of floor art are the most valuable possession in her home. Do you know how difficult it is to get rugs sent over from Iran? I do, because every time we have visited Iran we've had to take 47 trips to the bazaar to pick out the perfect carpets, haggle the prices down, and figure out how to get them to America, unscathed. And she won't pick out the smaller ones, either. It'll be the ones as long as a regulation size football field. So don't even THINK about walking on these with your shoes.
Side story: I sliced my hand open when I was 12 while rock jumping in a lake near my house. I was more fearful about getting in trouble for acting like a Power Ranger than I was about my exposed bone. Upon my arrival at the house (tear stained face, blood gushing out of my hand, pressing my friend's coat into my open wound) my mom freaked out, naturally. As she ran to call my dad, she yelled out behind her, "Nazanin! Don't get any blood on the carpet!"
1. A Mehmoonee (party/gathering of friends) immediately turns her into a wartime commander.
(Pay attention to this one. It could save your life.)
Anytime she is set to host a mehmoonee, the Iranian mom goes in to battle mode. As her next of kin, you are expected to remain on standby beginning as early as one week before the battle is set to commence AKA the night of the Mehmoonee.
Please, for your safety and sanity, follow her instructions carefully. If she sends you to COSTCO with a list, do NOT deviate from the list. If, for example, the list calls for red seedless grapes, do NOT buy any other kind of grape. My father learned this lesson the hard way.
Do not plan on exercising during this week, as your muscles will be fatigued from various activities such as, but not limited to: The vacuuming of everything from carpets, and drapes, to ceilings, and staircases. The cleaning of the bathrooms, even that small one in the basement that NObody ever uses. Cleaning the china and crystal, all 478 sets of them (because apparently Iranian mom's just can't pass up a deal on Lenox or Mikasa. I swear, every time I visit, there's at least 2 new sets of dinnerware).
This is the most important one of all: On the day of battle, er, the mehmoonee, do NOT speak unless spoken to, do not question her when she asks you to do anything (even if it's to clean that small bathroom in the basement, again) and make sure she remains hydrated and fed. Follow these rules, and you shall be victorious!
Love you, Saghi :)
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
10 Annoying things people do, and other musings.
10. When you call someone, leave a voicemail, and they text you back “What’s up?”
I just left you a voicemail, what’s up is what’s in the message. Call me back, idiot.
On a related note, it’s annoying when you just miss a person’s call, and you immediately call them back, but they don’t answer. What did you do, hang up and throw your phone against the wall? Sprint out of the room? Pick. Up.
9. To follow #10, people who text back ‘K.’ Why are you wasting my life/getting me excited with a text, only to disappoint me? If I text you “Dinner’s at 8, see you there,” I’m assuming your non response is confirmation that you’ll be there. I don’t need a ‘K.’ Thanks.
8. When people ask you a question, then don’t bother listening to the answer. You can see their eyes glaze over (what I have dubbed the Krispy Kreme), and you know they’re thinking about what they’re going to eat that night, what their next Facebook status update will be, or whether or not they remembered to DVR Keeping Up With The Kardashian’s.
I was recently a victim of the Krispy Kreme, so I decided to mess with the person.
Me: Yea, so, I’ll be editing that in the next few weeks, I may have bladder cancer, and then I’ll send the edited version back in to so and so.
Annoying Person: Ok, that’s wassup.
Me: Really? Me alluding to the fact that I may or may not be experiencing painful urination, blood in my urine, and/or extreme abdominal pain is ‘wassup?’
If you don’t care about the answer, don’t ask the question. I probably didn’t feel like talking to you anyhow.
7. When someone asks you if you’ve seen a particular movie, and you say ‘no,’ and they repeat the question several times, getting more worked up/agitated/incredulous.
I had one of these conversations recently, and it went something like this:
Annoying Person: “Have you seen Star Wars?”
Me: “No, I haven’t.”
Annoying Person: (louder) “What?! You haven’t seen Star Wars?!”
Me: “Uh, I just said I haven’t.”
Annoying Person: (yelling now, spit flying out of mouth) “Wait a minute, are you serious!? You’ve NEVER seen Star Wars?”
Me: “I’m not deaf. I haven’t seen the damn movie.”
(Annoying person then proceeds to look at you as if they’ve just discovered you’re the anti-Christ, which is apparently still a step above someone who hasn’t seen Star Wars.)
6. People who start a sentence with “Ugh, I hate drama, BUT...” and then proceed to tell you a story that has been blown out of proportion/fabricated. Those are usually the same people who claim “I’m not a typical girl/guy, I’m real” and “I don’t like to gossip.” Rest assured, those are the people that will bring the most grief in to your life. RUN!
5. People on the bus who talk loudly on their cell phones. I don’t care what your mom made for dinner, what KiKi did that pissed you off, or why your boyfriend is a cheating scumbag. Well, the last one could be fun to listen to, but I don’t like gossip, so....
4. People who wear cut off shirts, and booty shorts to the gym. (Yes, I’ve seen guys in this getup) I don’t want to see your ass cheeks, or have your boobs/hanging balls flopping around in front of me while I try to get my sweat on. If the models at the gym are covered up, you probably should be, too. Thanks.
3. To follow number 4, women who walk around the locker room completely nude. I’m sure the guys are getting a nice visual right now, but you wouldn’t feel that way if you’ve seen what I’ve seen. Ladies, if you insist on doing this, please invest in a good razor, or a good wax. Please.
2. People who blow up my Facebook and Twitter feed/notifications because they’re all of a sudden ESPN commentators any time there is a game on. I’m watching the game, I won’t be reading your updates. Also, the ref’s/owners/managers/players can’t hear you. They don’t care about your opinion, and neither do I.
1. On that note, in reference to the Redskins, or my favorite sports teams, stop telling me things like “You played terrible. You have really shitty offense. We are going to kick your ass!”
I don’t play for a sports team, I don’t own a sports team, and I damn sure don’t get paid like any of them, either. YOU didn’t play well, the team you spend a lot of money supporting did. I don’t have shitty offense, because that doesn’t even make sense. (I’ve totally been guilty of this, maybe I’m just bitter. But, if the Redskins ever make the playoffs, I will absolutely be rubbing it in your face)
We’ve all been guilty of some of these things. Let’s try and make the world a less annoying place and stop doing them.
Much Love.
Much Love.
Nazanin :)
Monday, April 11, 2011
Distracted in the UWS
I should be writing for my class, but I've got Deadmau5 on the brain, and now I just want to dance. I might scare my roommates by doing that, so I'll stick to writing.
I moved in to a new apartment in the Upper West Side. Love the apartment, love the neighborhood.
You don't even have to leave the apartment for a little entertainment. There's at least two pigeons a day that fly into one of the many windows surrounding the apartment. I don't know if they're on a suicide mission, or if pigeons just have really bad eyesight, but those birds flew straight out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie. Don't worry, PETA lovers, they're all alive as far as I can tell. They just scare the hell out of me.
One of my neighbors is apparently an aspiring Broadway star. I hear him belting out tunes at all hours of the day and night, most recently at 7 this morning. I can never quite put my finger on what song he's singing. This morning I awoke to something along the lines of "I'm up! Yeaaahhhh where's the toothbrush? Time for a showerrrrrr, to start off the hour!" I can't get mad because I'm too busy laughing. I think it's safe to say he's penning his own lyrics.
Another one of my neighbors is apparently part grizzly bear because he/she doesn't seem to be able to walk across the apartment without causing my dresser to shake. That, or, his/her feet are made out of cast iron. It sounds as though the person gets a sudden to urge to run a hundred yard dash, but then thinks twice about it. Bizarre. Maybe the pigeon flew into their apartment?
No building would be complete without the one apartment that has a certain scent wafting out from under its door. No, not curry, or garlic. It's a skunky smell. It's pretty much there at all hours of the day. My morning coffee run? Skunk. My nighttime arrival? Still skunk. There's never any noise coming from that apartment, though. They seem pretty chill :)
All in all, I Heart NY.
One Love.
Nazanin
Miss you, boobooface.
I moved in to a new apartment in the Upper West Side. Love the apartment, love the neighborhood.
You don't even have to leave the apartment for a little entertainment. There's at least two pigeons a day that fly into one of the many windows surrounding the apartment. I don't know if they're on a suicide mission, or if pigeons just have really bad eyesight, but those birds flew straight out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie. Don't worry, PETA lovers, they're all alive as far as I can tell. They just scare the hell out of me.
One of my neighbors is apparently an aspiring Broadway star. I hear him belting out tunes at all hours of the day and night, most recently at 7 this morning. I can never quite put my finger on what song he's singing. This morning I awoke to something along the lines of "I'm up! Yeaaahhhh where's the toothbrush? Time for a showerrrrrr, to start off the hour!" I can't get mad because I'm too busy laughing. I think it's safe to say he's penning his own lyrics.
Another one of my neighbors is apparently part grizzly bear because he/she doesn't seem to be able to walk across the apartment without causing my dresser to shake. That, or, his/her feet are made out of cast iron. It sounds as though the person gets a sudden to urge to run a hundred yard dash, but then thinks twice about it. Bizarre. Maybe the pigeon flew into their apartment?
No building would be complete without the one apartment that has a certain scent wafting out from under its door. No, not curry, or garlic. It's a skunky smell. It's pretty much there at all hours of the day. My morning coffee run? Skunk. My nighttime arrival? Still skunk. There's never any noise coming from that apartment, though. They seem pretty chill :)
All in all, I Heart NY.
One Love.
Nazanin
Miss you, boobooface.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
The Elusive Iranian Mom - Part One
We all love them. It doesn't matter if you're not Iranian, you love Iranian moms. They welcome you into their homes with open arms, lots of delicious food, an endless supply of cut fruit, and a ton of advice that you never asked for. Just make sure to take your shoes off before walking on the carpet.
The Iranian mom is a complex individual. She will do anything for her child. She is selfless to a fault. I love her. She is also one funny woman! My own mother has supplied me with an endless amount of comedy as a result of everything from her destruction of American sayings, her attitude towards keeping a clean home, and her ideas on how I should carry myself as a woman.
Let's start with the slight butchering of those American sayings and/or phrases. 'ThankS God' is my favorite. You know your mom has said it. Maybe it was your aunt, but someone has uttered this phrase on a consistent basis for the entirety of your life. No matter how many times you correct them, they will never change the way they say it. The phrase takes on some variety, too. Tanks God, Tank Gods, but never the correct 'Thank God.'
Another recent favorite was my mom's attempt to tell my sister and I how tired she was at the end of her work day. "Nazanin" she said, "I am a dead beat!" Um, mom, unless you have an illegitimate child that we are unaware of, and you are behind on your child support, you are not a dead beat, you are DEAD TIRED.
How about when she called me one day to tell me that my sister, Niloofar, wasn't in the best of moods. My mom says to me, "She really chewed me!" I'm sorry, what? Ohhh, you must mean she chewed you OUT!
And lastly, this gem of a phrase was spoken to my sister when she was 12 years old. After telling a family friend of ours that she was ready to go bra shopping, but was too embarassed to bring it up to our mom first, our family friend said (in Farsi) "Are dige, pervert shodi!" Which translates to, "Yes, you are now a pervert." We later figured out that she was referring to my sister hitting puberty, not pervertedness!
This is in no way meant to make fun of my mom, or yours. God knows how many Persian words I've butchered in conversations. My family in Iran are always quick to point them out, and we always get a good laugh out of it. There are simply a lot of observations that I've made over the course of my life. They make our moms endearing, loveable, and human. I hope you can relate to some of the things I've observed, or, at the very least, get a good laugh :)
Stay tuned for Part 2 of The Elusive Iranian Mom. ThankS God for them!
Please feel free to leave your own comments about your funny mom moments.
Much Love.
Nazanin
The Iranian mom is a complex individual. She will do anything for her child. She is selfless to a fault. I love her. She is also one funny woman! My own mother has supplied me with an endless amount of comedy as a result of everything from her destruction of American sayings, her attitude towards keeping a clean home, and her ideas on how I should carry myself as a woman.
Let's start with the slight butchering of those American sayings and/or phrases. 'ThankS God' is my favorite. You know your mom has said it. Maybe it was your aunt, but someone has uttered this phrase on a consistent basis for the entirety of your life. No matter how many times you correct them, they will never change the way they say it. The phrase takes on some variety, too. Tanks God, Tank Gods, but never the correct 'Thank God.'
Another recent favorite was my mom's attempt to tell my sister and I how tired she was at the end of her work day. "Nazanin" she said, "I am a dead beat!" Um, mom, unless you have an illegitimate child that we are unaware of, and you are behind on your child support, you are not a dead beat, you are DEAD TIRED.
How about when she called me one day to tell me that my sister, Niloofar, wasn't in the best of moods. My mom says to me, "She really chewed me!" I'm sorry, what? Ohhh, you must mean she chewed you OUT!
And lastly, this gem of a phrase was spoken to my sister when she was 12 years old. After telling a family friend of ours that she was ready to go bra shopping, but was too embarassed to bring it up to our mom first, our family friend said (in Farsi) "Are dige, pervert shodi!" Which translates to, "Yes, you are now a pervert." We later figured out that she was referring to my sister hitting puberty, not pervertedness!
This is in no way meant to make fun of my mom, or yours. God knows how many Persian words I've butchered in conversations. My family in Iran are always quick to point them out, and we always get a good laugh out of it. There are simply a lot of observations that I've made over the course of my life. They make our moms endearing, loveable, and human. I hope you can relate to some of the things I've observed, or, at the very least, get a good laugh :)
Stay tuned for Part 2 of The Elusive Iranian Mom. ThankS God for them!
Please feel free to leave your own comments about your funny mom moments.
Much Love.
Nazanin
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