15 Ways The SuperBowl Would Be Different If 2 Iranian Brothers Were Coaching The 2 Teams

1. Their family and friends would hassle the brothers for weeks trying to get tickets to the game, only to end up scalping them for triple the value.

2. Iranian fans would petition the NFL to have Googoosh sing the National Anthem.

3. Iranians would manage to sneak in mortadella sandwiches, pistachios, and doogh (carbonated yogurt drink).

4. Their mother would burn esfand (incense) before the brothers took the field to keep the evil eyes away.

5. The coin toss would take forEVER, as each side would tarof  back and forth.

 

"Please, I insist that you all receive."

"No, YOU choose whatever you want."

"Nokaretam (I am your servant)."

6. Their mother would be running back and forth between the two teams sidelines, feeding the brothers kabob, rice, ash (hearty soup), and tea.

7. Their supporters wouldn't be wearing their teams football jerseys, they'd be wearing Iran soccer jerseys.

8. The Brothers would make sure nobody touched their hair. Especially the hair on their heads.

9. The Brothers would be texting one another close up shots of the cheerleaders.

10. Iranians would petition the NFL to include an Andy and Kouros reunion as the halftime show.

11. When a call is made against either of the teams, their mother would run down and yell at the refs.

"Don't you geev my son dat von! Son of de betch! Dert on your heads!"

12. Power outage? No problem. Iranians would rush the field, form a circle, and take turns dancing in it.

13. The winning team would pour hot tea on the coach. Ironically, the losing team would do the same.

14. Their mom would run down to the field at the end of the game and assure both of her sons that they have doodool talas (golden penises). 

15. The brother whose team lost would get phone calls from family and friends on Monday morning telling him what he should have done. Ironically, so would the brother who won.

6 Healthy Foods You Should Be Eating

* Disclaimer*

I am not, nor am I claiming to be, a medical, or health professional. I am, however, someone who has been physically active my entire life, and have always taken great interest in healthy eating habits and lifestyle choices. I was also a personal trainer at Equinox Fitness Club in New York City. The views expressed in this blog post are my own, and are not affiliated with any other entity. As with any diet or exercise changes, consulting your doctor or health professional beforehand is always  recommended :)

1. Berries 

Berries, such as raspberries, strawberries, and blueberries, have some of the highest antioxidants of any fresh fruits. They fight the free radicals that float around in your body. Free radicals can damage healthy cells, and are a major source of disease and aging. Berries are also low in calories and sugars per serving, especially compared to the higher sugar fruits, such as apples, mangoes, and pineapples, just to name a few. Basically, you get more bang for your buck with berries.

2. Kale

This dark, leafy green food has an abundance of health benefits. It's rich in antioxidant powers, and high in vitamins, specifically Vitamins A (good for your eyes), K (promotes bone health), C (great for your immune system), and B (metabolism booster). Kale also contains phytochemicals, which have been shown in studies to protect against certain cancers, specifically cancers of the prostate and colon.

3. Almonds and Walnuts

These nuts, like some other nuts, contain unsaturated fatty acids, which are good for your heart. They can lower your LDL, aka "bad" cholesterol. Because high LDL is a primary cause of heart disease, keeping your LDL low is a good thing. The Omega-3 fatty acids found in nuts are, according to the Mayo Clinic "...one of the best plant-based sources of Omega-3 fatty acids." These nuts are also a good source of fiber, and Vitamin E, which helps stop the development of plaque in the arteries. Plaque buildup can lead to a variety of heart related diseases, and that's never any good.

Try eating the raw forms of these nuts, and not so much the salted and flavored versions, which just up the calorie, sodium, and potential sugar content.

4. Avocado

Avocados are high in fiber, potassium, Vitamins C, K, B6, and folate. Powerful punch! Like olive oil, avocados are high in oleic acid, which studies have shown can prevent breast cancer. They are also high in lutein, which protects against macular degeneration and cataracts, so you can see clearly!
Numerous studies have also shown that when eaten with other nutritious foods, the healthy monounsaturated fats in avocados aid the body in the maximum absorption of said nutrients.  So, basically, if you want the most benefits from what you're eating, add some avocado to it!

5. Seaweed

Seaweed has virtually zero fat. It's extremely low in calories, and its fiber content also aids in a feeling of satiation. Research from the LiveStrong foundation has said the following of seaweed: "When eaten as part of a meal, seaweed can help balance blood sugar because its soluble fiber content helps slow the rate at which food is digested and absorbed into the bloodstream." Its soluble fiber content also helps keep things moving along nicely, so to say :) Seaweed is also a good source of iodine, which your thyroids rely on to function properly. It's B-12 content is also said to help immune function. 

If you don't like the consistency of fresh seaweed, try Trader Joe's dry roasted seaweed snack. It's one my favorite snacks, and it's only 30 calories per serving!

6. Beets

Beets are one of my absolute favorite things to put in a salad! Pair it with goat cheese and avocado, and your mouth will experience a tasteplosion! Beets are good sources of iron, and vitamins, all helping to boost your immune system. They have no fat, are very low in calories, and have been said to be a great natural energy source for your body. They're a carbohydrate, which is essential for body fuel, but they're not processed carbohydrates so they're not "bad" energy sources. They're high in fiber, vitamins A & C, calcium, and folic acid, which is essential to the production and maintenance of new cells. And, they're available all year round!

Also, according to the American Journal of Hypertension: "...beets are very high in nitrates, which when processed in the body increase our levels of nitric oxide. And nitric oxide, in turn, helps to relax blood vessels, and improve oxygen efficiency. Hence the lowered blood pressure and increased endurance of beet juice drinkers. Beets are the newest vegetable to study for cardiovascular effects..." 

Basically, beets are being touted as improving the physical endurance and performance of athletes, and those of us who aren't professional athletes, but do exercise regularly. Eat up!

10 Things To Stop Doing On Facebook

1. LIKING YOUR OWN STATUS

This is like having a discussion with someone, or talking to a group of people, and then standing up to give yourself a round of applause when you're done talking. We already know you're a fan of what you said because, well, you said it. Which leads me to...

2. LIKING YOUR OWN PICTURES (New parents excluded, because babies are adorable)

This is like saying "Jean Claude Van Damme I look sexy!" which is totally fine, it just kinda makes you look conceited. Let your friends do the liking.

3. POSTING PICTURES OF THE LIQUOR BOTTLES AT YOUR TABLE AT THE CLUB

It's actually good when people do this because it lets everyone know which of their friends are terrible at math. Posting pics of all the liquor bottles at the table isn't "cool," it's just saying "Hey, I could have gotten this bottle of vodka for $40 at the liquor store, but I decided that paying $200 for it was absolutely reasonable and fair."

4. STATUS UPDATES THAT ALSO INVOLVE ANGRY SONG LYRICS

We all see them daily, and we all think "why?" Things like "how could you be so heartless?" or "I got 99 problems and now that BITCH aint one!" or "It wasn't like you only talked to him and you know it, don't act like you don't know it!" aren't going to get that person you're angry at to answer you. That'll get that person to quickly defriend you and start blocking your calls. And maybe get a restraining order.

5. VAGUE/CRYPTIC STATUS UPDATES

These are kind of like the angry song lyrics, but they're actually worse, especially when people start commenting and asking questions, and the person never answers. If you're going to write things like "I can't believe this is happening" or "I finally got the news" or  "Guess that's how it is, and nobody cares" at least ANSWER the people who have taken your bait and are asking questions. You clearly wanted the attention, so take it!

6. PICTURES OF AWESOME LOOKING FOOD AT RESTAURANTS...

...without telling us where you are!! Why would you tease my mouth like that? Tell us where you are so we can go eat it, too. Jerk.

7. PEOPLE WHO PIC STITCH/COLLAGE/INSTAGRAM...

...multiple pictures of themselves, in the same outfit, in the same room, in a different pose. You're not Andy Warhol. Stop it.

8. GIRLS WHO CAPTION THEIR PHOTOS WITH NEGATIVE/FISHING COMMENTS

Captioning photos with "need to diet!" or "ugh, my hair looks terrible today! " are very transparent ploys to get compliments. You're not fooling anyone. Also, putting up a picture of you in a hot dress, all glammed up, leaning against a wall/column/chair with a caption like "I really love this wallpaper/column/chair, is also really dumb and obvious. You're beautiful. You don't need Facebook land to tell you that. Stop it.

Additionally, putting up a picture of you captioned "no makeup/au natural," but filtered through Instagram to where your skin looks like a cartoon, is not au natural!

9. GUYS WHO POST PICTURES OF THEIR BODY PARTS

Sorry, body builder friends, but someone had to say it. We get it, you're working out a lot. Your muscles are bulging. You look like Mr. Universe. But if I wanted to see close up shots of a femur, or a  calf, or biceps, I'd look at an anatomy textbook. Or Ryan Gosling in a bathing suit.

10. DOCTORS/DENTISTS/CHIROPRACTORS POSTING ABOUT PATIENTS

You have to understand that most of your friends are not in the medical field. So, "Just gave 20 cc's of Sodium Chloride to a 35 year old female with a hematoma to the right fibular ventricle on the left side of her spinal column (C-4) and couldn't believe how slowly the aortic valve was pumping blood!" sounds like "Look! I have a medical degree!" to the rest of us.

8 Annoying Things People Do At The Gym

Shadow Boxing In The Middle Of The Gym: You've seen them. The guys wearing the 90's tank tops and brightly colored shorts (a la AC Slater), white tube socks (pulled all the way up), with white Saucony's on their feet. They're usually wearing a bandana (because fighting an invisible person can really work up a sweat) emblazoned with the old stars and stripes. They hop around on their tip toes, slashing and thrashing at the air, randomly yelling out "Gotcha!" Makes me feel like I'm in a Mortal Kombat game, and someone is about to yell "finish him" over the speakers. Go find an empty studio, or do this in your home. I dodge enough New Yorkers talking to invisible people on the subway, I don't want to have to do the same at the gym,

Women Who Stretch In Front Of A Row Of Machines: You know who I'm talking about. They look like they just stepped out of an American Apparel ad, and because they've been dancing around their room all day to the Flashdance soundtrack, they are just DYING to stretch those hamstrings out in front of your treadmill. Look, I get it. I wear tight things and short shorts to the gym because, frankly, it's comfortable and cute. But, I'm not bending over and touching my toes in front of a row of people working out. This becomes especially annoying when the girls in question are wearing see through "leggings." Thongs, tattoos, everything becomes visible.  Which leads me to...

Inappropriate Clothing:
Women: Please read up on the difference between leggings and pantyhose, and please wear a bra/sports bra. Anything, really, throw on a bikini top if you must. Just something to hold your girls tight. (That's implied, you say? I've seen women just hanging loose at the gym. Not a good look, and I don't understand how that doesn't hurt?!)

Men: Please read up on acceptable lengths of shorts to be worn at the gym. You are not playing for a 1970's NBA team, so your shorts should not stop under your ass cheeks, nor should they have a slit on the side. The only people who should see what kind of heat you're packing are your doctor, and the woman you are sleeping with. Or, if you're married, not sleeping with.

Anyone Who Requests A Channel Change To Fox News. Which are usually the same...

...People Who Argue Over A Machine: You've heard them. Entitled jerks who legitimately start arguments because somebody got on "their" bike. As if there aren't 38 of the same damn bike, all lined up in neat rows for your riding pleasure. I watched a guy pull the most passive aggressive move on someone who got on "his" elliptical. He stood next to the other guy on the machine and hula hooped, all while the guy on the machine hurled insults at him, yelling for someone to kick the hula hooper out. You can't help but stare in wide eyed amazement as these gems unfold. It's like when you watch your senile aunt arguing that the toilet bowl brush is too big for her to brush her teeth with. Unintentionally tragic and hilarious, kind of like watching Mitt Romney trying to talk to a poor person.

People Who Grunt/Moan/Scream: We get it. You're having an intense workout. We all make noises when we're exerting ourselves but, if you're screaming like a banshee, or moaning like a porn star, you're either over exerting yourself, or have a serious lack of attention in your life. Either way, you sound like an idiot. Please stop.

Guys Who Leave Their 80+ Pound Dumbbells On The Floor: There's a code at the gym, and it is very similar to what we were taught when we were toddlers. When you play with something, put it back where you found it.  Would you leave your friend's laptop on the living room floor? (If you answered 'yes', you're an asshole who deserves to be punched) No, you wouldn't, so use the same logic at the gym. I recently watched a guy walk away after leaving his 80 pound dumbbell on the floor. Because I'm notoriously clumsy, and was scared of tripping over it, I ended up picking it up so I could put it away. I'm a strong girl, but that's a lot of fucking weight to pick up properly and hoist back onto a weight rack. As I'm doing the duck walk with this weight in my hand, just a couple more feet away from the rack, the guy walks back over and (thinking he's about to help me) I smile, relieved. He says "excuse me" and STEPS OUT OF MY WAY! As if HE'S doing ME a favor by moving to the side so that the girl who's OBVIOUSLY struggling with HIS dumbbell can have a clearer path to a herniated disc. Fucking moron. And on the opposite end you have....

People Who Drop Their Weights Loudly: We get it. You're fucking strong, Superman. So strong that you had to throw your weights down like a petulant child. Unless you're a bodybuilder trying to bulk up before a show, why don't you try and take the weight down a notch.


We all need physical activity in our lives, so exercise, have fun, and be healthy and happy!  Just stop being annoying while you're doing it :)

The Grapes of Wrath

Have you ever drank a bottle of wine? Those of you who have know what it can do. For me, it usually creates a sense of urgency. An urgency to get all of my thoughts, and fears, and dreams out in the open and into the universe. A release. Before you get worried and call me to ask if I'm ok, I'm good :) I was with my girlfriends, at a ladies night dinner, amongst friends. I wasn't sitting in my room with the lights off listening to Adele and Amy Winehouse (although I agree that that would make this more dramatic).

Seriously though, do you ever get tired of all of the noise in life? The complaining of things that aren't really important? Like the guy at the table next to you cursing the waitress because she wasn't quick enough? The lady in line at the gym who's yelling at the front desk staff because she couldn't reserve bike #3 in her spin class? Don't you ever just want to tap them on the shoulder and say, "Who the fuck cares?"

Our world is filled with hunger, and bigotry, and hatred, and violence, and inequality, and injustice, and racism, and disease, and you're worried about what bike you're going to sit on for a class? You're pissed about your Mercedes being in the shop? Or your Chanel bag that just got scratched? Who the fuck cares?

Family members go years without speaking over a heated exchange. Friends become strangers over miscommunications, and missing invitations to events. Relationships are lost, people are forgotten about, over what? What are we all really upset about? Is it fear of being left out? Fear of being forgotten? Fear of not reaching our full potential, of being unsuccessful? And what is successful, anyhow? Whose standards of measurement are we using? Your definition of success is different than mine. What works for you may not work for others. Who the fuck cares?

Life shouldn't be measured in dollars, and cars, and bags, and houses. It should be measured in relationships, and laughter amongst family and friends. It should be measured in those moments with your sister where you're just sitting alone in a room, making funny faces and laughing until you can't breathe. It should be measured in those quiet moments where we are sitting with a loved one, enjoying a sunset, or cooking a meal together.  It should be measured in how much good we do unto our fellow man, how much we help on a daily basis, when nobody is looking or judging. When did life become a reality show, a talent competition, a race to the finish line?

Why can't we all just be real? (this sound like the opening to an MTV show) Present our real selves to one another. What's with the posturing, and the pontificating? I don't care about your Gucci sunglasses, or your beach house in Malibu, or how much money you have in your wallet. Can I call you when I'm upset? Can I count on you to really listen to me? Can we spend real time together, without tapping away on our phones, and checking our Facebook, and texting, and turning on the TV? Will you be there when there are smiles and laughter, and also when there are tears and despair? 

If you can't, I don't want to know you. I don't want to spend time with you. We've lived enough years to figure out what really matters, and know we need to live a lot more to try and figure out the rest. Cut the bullshit and be yourself. Stand up for what you believe in, speak your mind, be loud, even when everyone is trying to quiet you down. At the end of the day, YOU have to live with yourself. YOU have to live with the choices you've made, the words you've said, and the things that you have done.
Make sure you're ok with you, and if you're not, make a change. Don't worry about what others are telling you is right, or wrong, or how you should live your life. If it's not coming from within your mind, your soul, and your heart, it's just noise. And, really, who the fuck cares?

5 Ways to Quickly Offend an Iranian

5. Walk On Their Carpet With Your Shoes
I don't care if your "shoes are new" or "really clean." Unless you're planning on hovering, floating, or walking on your knuckles, take them off. The gracious, hospitable Iranian host may be smiling at you and saying "that's ok, dear, you can leave them on," but you can be sure they're quickly burning with rage on the inside and testing your cultural awareness.

4. Refuse Their Offers of Food
This really should be Iranian Etiquette Rule #1. If you're a guest in one of our homes, and we put food in front of you, eat it. Fruit, sweets, appetizers, main courses, eat all of it. And I don't mean dainty little bites, I mean heaping spoons, and plates. It doesn't matter if you've already eaten, just had gastric bypass, or are recovering from a bout of food poisoning. Just eat, because honestly, if you've had the last two, you'll throw it up either way. You don't want to risk offending your hosts, as you'll never hear the end of it. "He must not like the way I make zereshk polo" or "I know it's not as good as your moms cooking" or (the ever popular) "My apologies for not being able to cook a proper, tasty meal for you."

I met my boyfriends parents for the first time over dinner at their house. They had the most amazingly delicious spread of fruits, appetizers, wine, Persian food, Italian food, and dessert. Forget that we had just come from having eaten ourselves silly at a prior event, there was no way we were going to let this lovely hospitality go to waste on account of "being full." Not only did I, enthusiastically, eat two plates of food (that lasagna was ridiculous!) but I took one for the team and ate both mine and my boyfriends dessert. I know, I know, I'm so benevolent.

3. Don't Say Hello When You Walk Into An Event
Not only is it rude, it's socially moronic. This is especially important for non Iranians who are being introduced into the Iranian community. Say hello! Especially if it's a room full of older adults. Skip out on that, and you'll henceforth be referred to as bi-adab (without manners) or  Amrikayee-e, balad nist (He/She is American, they don't know any better).

One of my earliest memories comes from being at mehmoonees (Persian gatherings), and having my  mom constantly ask, "Nazanin, did you say Hi to Aunt Mitra? What about Uncle Ali? And his Grandmother that just came from Iran? And his Grandmothers cousin? What about the neighbor, you should run next door and say hi, just to be polite." The last one may be a slight exaggeration, but you get the point.

2. Don't Say GoodBye When You Leave An Event
Please refer to #3, and replace "hello" with "goodbye." This can become very tedious, as you can't just walk up to someone and say "buh bye now!" Everyone must receive a pleasantry and declaration of well wishes, some general questions about their ability to drive home safely, their thoughts on the weather forecast tomorrow, statements on how politicians are all the same, conspiracy theories, and before you know it, everyone is sitting down again as the hosts rush to make more tea and coffee, and bring out a fresh fruit platter and more dessert! Which, by the way, you'd better eat!

1. Don't Invite Them To Something. Bonus Points If You Don't Invite Them To A Wedding.
If you're friends with A, B, and C, and you invite A and B over for drinks one night, but not C, it's bad news bears. It's also apparently a law to invite your friends in the groups that you first met them. If a new person is introduced, person D, then that person can technically be left out at your whim because they were a new addition. But if person D decides to invite persons A, B, and C over and not YOU, best believe sh*t's about to get serious!

Situation is exacerbated if you add a wedding to the mix.This is, by far, the most sure fire way to offend an Iranian. Even if your families haven't spoken in years, if one of you killed the other ones cat, or your ancestors were sworn enemies in the old country, an Iranian will still expect an invite. It doesn't matter if it's the wedding of someones child, and you haven't seen their child since they were in 5th grade, you're still expecting an invite. Don't try to reason with the offended, they'll come back with, "But I've always asked how Ali joon is doing." "But you haven't spoken to his mom in 3 years." "So what? They've been in my thoughts!" I'm already anxious about my wedding guest list, and I'm not even engaged.

I hope this blog helps non Iranians avoid cultural minefields, one mine at a time!

6 Captivating Quirks of the Elusive Iranian Dad

Growing up in America with immigrant parents presents its own set of unique challenges. Now if your father is Iranian, you're in for a hell of a ride, albeit a fun one...


*Baba = Dad
*Joonam = My Dear/Life


6. He will bargain for anything. Anywhere.
Take, for example, back to school shopping. Going with my Baba was always more fun than going with my mom because he said 'yes' to everything. Unless it was a short skirt, but we'll get to that later.  However, there was always one thing I dreaded about it...paying. While being rung up, my dad would smile and say, "So, these are half off, right?" The salesperson would laugh and say, "No, sorry sir." I would proceed to elbow him in the ribs, "Baba, stop." But, he'd continue. "Oh come on, you can give it to us with a discount." As he was bargaining, I was sweating and nervously surveying the scene around me, praying that none of my classmates were in the store. He'd say, "don't worry, baba joonam, they can give a discount." I would always try to reason with him, "Baba, this isn't a bazaar in Tehran, we can't haggle the salesperson at Express" (remember how cool it was to shop there?). Please stop." I have this shopping experience with him every time, and every time I tell him the same thing, never to any avail.

5. Bikinis are not encouraged.
I remember wearing my first bikini as a young lady, and I remember my dad looking at me like he had just seen a ghost.

"Baba joonam, don't you want to wear some more clothes?"
"Um, no, we're going to the beach. What else would I wear?
"You can wear one of those skirt bathing suits, or some shorts."
"Dad, this isn't 1950."

After some cajoling, he'd eventually let it go, and we'd hit the beach. To this day, we still have the same bikini conversation.

4. Come to think of it, skin baring outfits are generally discouraged.
It doesn't matter that I'm a grown woman, my dad still tries to convince me to not wear short skirts, or shorts in general. Short skirts being anything above the knee :/ Which reminds me of my brief stint as a cheerleader in high school. My dad came to one of the basketball games to watch me cheer. None of my guy friends talked to me, or even acknowledged my existence, for fear of an untimely death. After the game, and after performing some stunts with my squad, I excitedly asked my dad what he thought of the performance. "You were great, but I don't understand why you have to jump up and down in front of a bunch of boys while wearing a napkin. Can't you wear pants under the skirt?" Needless to say, I didn't try out next season.

3. If you are male (family not included) you are at an automatic disadvantage.
If you're male, and you come within 4 feet of an Iranian daughter, you run the risk of mysteriously disappearing.  I've had so many male friends (just friends!) that have done everything from bringing flowers when they come over, to bottles of whiskey for my dad, and it just doesn't make a difference. Stand too close, and the Iranian dad will walk over and stand in between you two, even if you're in the middle of a conversation. And don't even THINK about putting your arm around us, even if it's for a picture. My sister and I can attest to this. I remember my dad calling me after seeing a picture of me on Facebook with a really good male friend of mine who had casually draped his arm around my shoulder in a picture.

"Baba joonam, why do you have a picture like this? What is this boy trying to do?"
"Huh? We're just taking a picture."
"But you'll give off the wrong impression."
"Baba, he's gay."
"That doesn't matter."
(slapping my forehead)

And it's not just him you have to worry about, it's every other Iranian dad friend that he has. They'll all help, no questions asked. "Asghar, I need you here in an hour. Bring a shovel, and a bottle of Johnnie Walker. Blue Label."

2. Speaking of which, he only drinks two kinds of alcoholic beverages: Johnnie Walker, and Heineken.
Survey the scene at an Iranian party, and you'll either see the Iranian dad with a green bottle, or a crystal glass. My family and I were in the Virgin Islands a few Summer's ago, and we hit the duty free shops on our way out. My dad couldn't believe how cheap the bottles of Johnnie Walker were, so he bought two cases. Six bottles in each case. Oh, and rum, can't forget the rum. I'm surprised Customs didn't arrest us for  intent to sell and distribute. Glad we could break stereotypes, one case of whiskey at a time.

1. He has a conspiracy theory on everything. 
Everything has an underlying reason, and nothing is what it seems. Now I must admit, growing up with this kind of critical eye made me more aware of things going on in the world, and how we shouldn't always believe everything that we are fed, but sometimes it just gets ridiculous. The outcome of a football game, steak not being cooked properly at a restaurant, the pump at the gas station not working, it's all a conspiracy. Everyone is out to get you, or take advantage of you, or wants your money. He even thinks politics are rigged! Can you believe that?!

All things considered, Iranian dad's are the BEST, and will do anything for their families. I love my Baba, even if his jokes are corny, and he thinks I should always wear pants.